Delirium

Sorry about the posts from last night. I was straight riding on air. Those videos did keep me thoroughly entertained for hours though. I used to die laughing at those on the phone with my homeboy. We couldn't wait until BET turned into buffoonary at night.

Last night I warmed some chicken broth, cut up some mushrooms, & spinach. I warmed them together and man I had some good soup. Really filling too. That put me in a zone.

I bought some loose tea last night. I was in Teavana last night (supposed to be at work) & stopped to taste the tea. OMG it was soo banging. So, I bought some. It totally has me hooked now. I love tea & I have been trying to substitute it for my alcohol intake. It has been working. Also, the great flavor is taking away my nicotine taste buds. I am trying to dull those out for sure. Cold-Fucking-Turkey!

Today on my lunch break I am going to buy a teapot with a steeper. I want a little cute set. I like the cast iron ones. They are wayy too much in the store so I am going to hit up Target & some of my low price super stores for a good deal. If I don't see any...Target.com it is. I am making this my housewarming gift to myself. Hell, I bought enough of that tea to at least last me for six months. My sister told me she has over 10lbs of tea from Teavana & I can have it if I want. I love my family. They will give you the shoes off their feet if they miss you. I'm gone for so long that whenever I come back I have free reign.

I have gotten...jewelry, clothes, tickets to shows, moo-la, & now we can add at least $200.00 worth of tea from Teavana. Yah me!

I am still doing pretty good with my cleansing. I don't know what it is about this time, but it's just different. I talked to Gise for a min via text yesterday. She asked me new ways to tell people to fuck off other than the proverbial "Kill Yo'self"...

My reply: "Drink Bleach" -Panky-

Means the same damn thing but it's a little more personal. Let me tell you what to drink to die. I dont want to leave you to your own devices of suicide. You might live. Instead just drink some bleach and watch a little tv.

Hmm, what else? I'm thinking of making some Hot & Spicy soup Sunday to snack on for the week. I do have to work this weekend but I'm telling you...that account. It's looking damn good. Damn, damn, good. Being in my new apartment is too. So, I have hella motivation.

Who remembers the hamburger joint in Memphis called "Central Park". They had some good ass burgers & fries. I have yet to taste any like that one. I miss my greasy ass "Dixie Queen" too.

Ill type more later. I'm gonna venture out. Work is starting to feel monotonous. Time for a breezy.

Bye.

2001 Fuckery. UNCUT Style.

Why was I up watching UNCUT? I'm looking for this other one.

Lil M & Slim Thug

This just looks cool & that one of my best girlfriends. Smartest girl I know. Sometimes. :) We are in Seattle.

Body Mod...

My latest "my mom is going to kill me" body mod.

Because sometimes "I just want to get drunk & act skanky". -Desiree-

My Boo Bear

This shit makes me laugh. This is Rox.

Nourishment

I swear. I was feeding my body non sense for awhile now. Good old fashioned trash. It's only been a few days but I'm telling you I am energy restored. I made a stir fry yesterday that was to die for. Who knew veggies could have so much flavor? Well, it had squash, green beans, broccoli, & shrimp. I added fresh garlic which just totally took over the flavor department. I added about a pinch of salt & pepper. I had steamed white rice. About a cup. Which, I am eating the rest of today for lunch.

I haven't smoked since Sunday. I have had no cravings. All these things started to clear up. That raggedy cough I had, my throat is no longer endlessly dry, nor are my lips. My skin looks better. It's not the best but it is better. When I was 21, I had smooth as ass skin. My body is just not dry since I stopped smoking. I wanted to so bad yesterday. K was smoking & I could smell the nicotine. I didn't...partly because I didn't want a Marlboro. I don't have any Djarum.

So, I went & picked up my apartment application yesterday. I filled it out. It felt so good to have it done. Ive been doubling so much at work that I made my lil stanky-fied application fee times 4. So, Saturday I'm going to view the places & drop off the apps & pick my spot. I'm sooo excited. It's always good to make that first step. I am going to miss K, but I still miss my solitude. I'm so Gemini. I'm like a Sociable Loner if that makes any sense to people. Those balconies at that apartment were my selling point. So big. I could sit out all day. Not to mention how long booze lasts when you live alone...haha. Just Rox & I.

I also checked my Facebook. All I have to say is: MICHAEL RAYBORN!! OMG! I missed him so much. He's on my list for searching that I never got around to. He was sooo funny in High School. Pretty sure he liked me, but I ignored it. I liked guys just to be my boys. Not to mention I was ravaging a 16 year old Freshman (he got held back by parents) named KG. Who also found me on Facebook. Am I cool or something? People will never forget me. I make/made sure of that. Myspace is still more my speed. It's a lot of weird creeps but I would be lost on Facebook for hours. It has chat too. HELLL NOOO! I do not need to be chat stalked while I'm ignoring my messages & comments. Thanks. I'm really just a checker. Check it & go have a life.

I look forward to talking to Mike though. He used to always tell me "Keep you cock-beaters off me" LOL...I thought that was the funniest thing ever in High School. I was always hugging, laying, or kissing someone on the jaw. Type of shit that starts rumors about me now.

1. I'm refreshed
2. I have to double today
3. Club soda's at K's Grad party (Designated driver/Cleansing)
4. Staying Green
5. Staying out of the streets
6. Happy I'm moving
7. Taking two more trips before Summers end. (Which officially starts on my B-day June20)
8. I love me!
9. Miss my friends & family in Memphis everyday
10. I'm fucking alive mannnnnn!

Really alive.

The Red Balloon

This morning. I turned the radio off in the car -Moment of clarity- Seriously. It opened up some stuff for me. Here lately I haven't even been keeping up with the ghost of pretending to like someone when I don't. Which leaves me with zero people to keep up with & even more time to ponder.

The moment the radio went off. I started thinking about one guy. One I never even ever really gave a proper shot to. I started thinking about the night that we were together (not like that...get your minds out of the gutter) & how much fun I had. I had a good time. I felt even better when I noticed how sexy he was. This guy is an amazing catch. He has a "career", he's focused, doesn't drink near as much as me, like to have fun, likes that I "like to have fun", doesn't think I'm crazy, thinks I'm sexy, & mainly he's stable. He just bought a house, he has all his teeth & doesn't have any kids. Why would I let someone else have a go at him? So, I started it. I started to think how I used to chase nothing ass people & how fun it would be to actually chase (or not have to chase because he likes me too) someone who is about something. I sent out a nibbler & I got a surprising question back.

Would I be willing to move?

Now everyone should know by now that moving is in my blood line. I have absolutely no issue with relocating for the right person. None at all. I actually agree with it totally. I would be willing to move for the right person. To his state? Not my first choice, but I could live there.

Did I mention this guy is a friend's brother? Yeah, he is. BUT me & his sis are super tight. I think if all came down to it, as flighty as I seem, I would never hurt him. Also, I'm down for the one day at a time.

Ive kind of let Mohawk go. It's not his fault. It's my own. I blame me. I blame the lame in me for wanting someone who is established. I'm not, so I need someone who can lead me & keep me on track. Opposites attract & maybe he and I cant live in the sky together in my world. I need someone to hold my string and pull me back down when Ive been up there too long.

Work has been a lot easier. I have been resting & doing the things I should be doing. I started meditating. It's hard to push the outside noise out sometimes. I find it a lot easier to do when I'm home alone. (cant wait to move reference) K has been gone a lot lately. She's about to Grad. So, there will be pandemonium this weekend. Not too much for me though. I am still cleansing. I am doing well with that too.

Ive been controlling the things that I put in my body. Mindful of what may come out...lol I have tonight off from my other job. I cannot wait. I have to go pick some things up after work but I am going to definitely do my to do list tonight. I have to. I might have more later. I'm not sure. Nothing interesting is going on my way. Got more work on the desk though. I must tend to it.

Peace. Someone should leave comments. I would like to blabber back & forth. If I visit your blog Ill do the same.

Mia write more blogs, whore!

Also, buy your kids "The Red Balloon". It is a classic.

SUPER rested...

Well, I had a good holiday weekend. As promised it was a lot of crazy stuff happening. I opted to hang with Med-School for most of it. He's super low-key. Doesn't cause me a lot of fuss & drinks like a fish.

Friday: Left work. Went home. Took a nap. Met Med-School & his buddies at a local watering hole. Asked some random guy if he was on drugs. He said no. I said well, you look like it so you probably should go home. He agreed and left. Went to Med-School's friends house. Drank more & decided to call it a night.

Saturday: I was supposed to go apartment hunting. Med-School & I rode around. I went to get a burger & he was supposed to be ready when I returned. Of course he was sleep. Made him wake up & we went to get things to bbq. Went to his friends house & I got Rox and we chilled outside & bbq'd. Stayed there longer than intended waiting for my grilled Salmon. Went home, got ready to go to Layla. Should have stayed with first mind and passed out. Absolute fuckery. Got stalked by a girl who insists I never speak to her. Realized that she has to be on heavy drugs because we have the same conversation every time I see her. Left Layla before it was over, went home, smoked a clove & finished watching 'Lord of the Flies'.

Sunday: Slept til about noon. Man, I needed that. Got my stuff ready & went to Syleena's. Invited Rafi. We all chilled & drank. Ate lots & lots of food. I'm not exaggerating. Took a nap. Woke up. Ate again. Had Med-School & his boy over for a bit. They cleaned up for us & I told them I might go out with them later. Talked to S a little longer then I dipped. We did good for first time grillers. Note to self: Buy electric grill. Went home, texted a few people, and took a shower. I decided to just take some Benedryl & call it a night. I wanted to enjoy my last day of undisturbed sleep.

Monday: Woke up on a cleaning spree. Cleaned the kitchen and living area. Cleaned my room as well. Seasoned some chicken breasts to eat this week. Watched the Cosby show and decided I cant even watch that shit anymore. Decided to nap before work. Couldn't sleep. Woke up & got ready for work. Went to Luxe & pretty much read a whole book. Talked with my boss for awhile. Picked up another day at work. Doubling everyday except Wednesday this week. Figures this will keep my mind off not getting laid. Went home. Made some baked chicken with spinach. Read up as much as I could on cleansing. I previously bought a cleanser kit from my local Whole Foods market. Decided to take the pills and just do it. Went to sleep.

That leaves me right at this very moment. Let me say cleansing is very interesting. Must be careful what you eat. It returns. That's enough detail. I'm gonna make some broth soups tonight with a few veggies in them. It's important to stay organic by the way. I guess I'll be back later. Got a stack on my desk I need to handle.

I thought it was Saturday...

It's not. It's cool though.

I saw Freckles yesterday. Oh my God. I longed to smell his sweet neck. I got pretty close but you know me. Super nonchalant. I hit him with the "I thought about you the other day." Translation: I just wrote a blog about lusting after you. I miss him. He looked good. Wonder what he thought about me? (sigh) He got booted from the Sim card too...long ago...

Some things are pretty painful for me today. Ive been reading a lot of interesting blogs. I click and click away until I land on something sweet. A lot of people have been having these awakenings to life. It's nice to see people living their dreams.

Ive been trying to give this guy a chance. I do try. I hate to be shitty but I dated the "artist" before. Cant say that I wasn't intrigued. I believe in living your dreams, but the struggling artist thing is kind of played to me. Ive done it before. Maybe I am shitty, a tab bit dreamy, materialistic, chauvinistic (if possible), believe in traditional roles between men & women. Am I so bad for that?

I cant get into it too deep. I don't want to hurt the innocent. For the record: I am still trying. Even though, I do believe that there should not be trying in courting. Kind of what happened to Big. We were trying. There was obviously just intense attraction in the pheromones we were giving off to each other.

This is a holiday weekend. I don't have any exciting thing to do. Which pretty much sucks. I did get invited by Mohawk to a surprise party. I'm not sure If I want to go though. I usually go to those parties & it's just odd for me. I guess I enjoy the alcohol more than the people. That doesn't usually go over too well. They wanna chat about what I do for a living and I'm trying to find the limes or see if I bought my flask to fill up because I am about to exit stage left...haha. So sad BUT true.

I miss my friends in Memphis. Usually I would jump on the road but the gas would eat up my drinking money. Layla is closing this weekend. My fav babe Jen Bunni has a table. I told her I would slide through on account of her because really I was done with Layla's fuckery.

I can add another person to the bite the dust list of friends. That makes two people that were once relevant that hate me now. I didn't do anything though. I didn't pick a side or anything. Pretty much dislike by association I guess. I mean it's my roomie. I don't have to pick her side. I live in her side. Oh well. Another one bites the dust. I did get two wonderful friends out of the deal though. Wouldn't trade either of them for the world. Love you T & K.

So, my boss comes up to me today and goes..."You were dreading coming in today, huh?" (Laughing) (She's hella cool) Can everyone tell that I thought it was Saturday? It's a total buzzkill when you realize it's not. I told her, "Man, I thought today was Saturday." She basically told me I looked like I was kicking rocks on the way in...LOL. I was. Invisible ones.

I have to go apartment hunting tomorrow which is going to suck something awful. It's a must though. I'm shooting for July & will probably have to get rid of more stuff again to make room for the new. My Mommy is giving me some funds to secure everything I need. I love her. She's so self-less. I always wonder, will I ever love another human being more than me? That's so bad. ( 2 Hail Mary's for that one) I do though. That real, real unconditional? I wonder.

I once told someone the only reason I would want to have kids is for vanity reasons (which is a sin) Just to see what they would look like. I would imagine it would be a spawn. My family has super genes. I want to have a Leo baby. I hope I don't create a Gemini one. So sad. I don't plan on spanking my kids. (I know black people. Sue me.) I just don't have the energy for that. Enough on that. That wont be happening for awhile.

I talked to Yo yesterday. That was like my first skating rink love. I was trying to figure out who he was in my phone. Sometimes when I drink...people's numbers that I delete wind up back in my phone. Damn Sim Card & touch screen phone! We talked about old times. (seems to be the way people would rather remember me...lol) (I was nice & a lot more open) He has a baby. As do all my old guy friends. We said we'd keep in touch. I let him know I'm not even trying to side step his girlfriend & that I just like to make sure my peeps are still alive. He probably thinks I'm crazy...

Well, hopefully I don't get too crazy tonight.

Alone.

Wondering to myself why everyone that used to know me wonders why I'm not married right now.

Then I start to wonder & I realize that I'm a crazy, "likes to have too much fun", cant tell you where she'll be living in a year, stays moving, talks about going to space, smokes too many cloves, thinks Roxy was a rocket-scientist in her former life, loves kids but doesn't really want one, wants a vodka fountain at her wedding, hates R&B, is going to vote for Obama just because he's black, drinks coffee just because of the side effects, hangs out in Whole Foods trying samples all day, loves writing poetry that would make Giovanni cry from disgust, wants to write but doesn't make time, studies one thing & then goes to another, loves Benedryl with my wine, fucked up Space Cadet.

Now, if that's your idea of fun. Holla at cha girl girl.

That's me.

7even Deadly Sins...

I confess. I partake in all of them or at one point just done them all in one night. I'm going to try to compose somewhat of a confession moment minus Father Ryan. I imagine him on the other side shaking his head all the time.

Bless me Father for I have sinned.

My last confession was...hmm...probably in 2003

These are my sins...

Lust: Funny how this is first on the list that I compiled. I must say I do lust over the red one with the freckles. Mind, body & soul. It was just something about that one. We ravaged each other at any opportunity we could. I miss the smell of Chanel on the sheets, I lust the way he would bite my neck as hard as he could, I miss waiting for him to come home. He wasn't scared like most. He knew how to apply the right pleasure to my pain. Exhale. VF2.

Gluttony: I do this just about everyday. I'm usually like screw portion control. Once when I was about 7, I went to Ryans with my cousin & her family. It was my first time even going to a all you can eat buffet. Needless to say, I tried everything. I mixed all kinds of stuff together. I remember topping all of it off with strawberries. About 5 min later in a Kroger parking lot not 5 minutes from my house. I called url like the exorcist. All in my cousin's Mother's van. She assured me she wasn't upset she just wanted me to feel better. I knew I ate too much. What a little glutton.

Greed: How greedy am I? I cant say I'm guilty of this because I grew up sharing everything I had because my mom was & still is a "Baby-sitter". So, I always had little snotty nose non-siblings playing with all my toys. In my adult life, I would still give someone anything I can & mostly ask for whatever someone can give me.

Sloth: I should run everyday. I should read more. I should write more. I should free myself. I should walk Roxy. I should call my friends more. BUT I'm lazy as shit. When I get home from work...I sleep. Guilty. Sloth is a little harsh because I do technically have three jobs..haha.

Wrath: I have actually done this to someone before. I actually talk about my Gemini duality a lot. I dated a guy. My cousin is a super flirt. I warned he & she that if they ever stepped over my personal threshold of being comfortable with the flirting there would be hell to pay. So I'm over a friends house with my cousin & I'm playing "Snake" on her cell phone. All of a sudden she snatched the phone. I was surprised. "What? I was only playing Snake." She confirmed this & handed back the phone. The next time I got my clutches on the phone (she went in a store or something) I looked through it. She had his number & apparently her and he talk back & forth. I confronted them both. He ended in a bunch of I'm sorrys & she ended in tears. If innocent...why tears? I quit talking to her for awhile. (only way to punish family) & he was another story. His friend...was a friend of mine at one point...until I found out they knew each other. I rekindled that friendship. They lived together. So, I get all fresh to go over...equipped with my "Micheal" perfume. You can smell that ish from a mile away. He sent me a text on my way home. "I smelled you." He was pissy mad. Did I mess with his friend behind the closed bedroom door? The world may never know...

Envy: I hate this one the most. It's the "green monster". Sometimes, you do it & don't even notice. I ask for forgiveness for this a lot because I am truly happy for people. BUT disappointed sometimes that the things don't happen for me. When my first friend graduated from College, I was a little taken aback. How did I get so far behind...why wasn't I first? I felt really shitty about the course that my life had been taking. After I prayed about it...God sent me some personal fire under my ass. I took a course of action and I graduated very soon after that. Damn, I hate envy. It's sooo bad. Be happy about the things that you have.

Pride: I'm very proud. My pride gets in the way a lot. I would probably have Big around if it wasn't for my ego. I'm a protector of this heart of mine. I will tell you I don't want to talk to you. When I do. I will tell you to stop calling. When I don't want you to. I will tell you to Fuck off if it means the laugh will be on me later. I'm working on this one. Probably why I hardly ever cry or show signs of weakness. My pride wont let me.

I am truly sorry for these & for all of my sins.

Only 20 Hail Mary's & 1 Our Father?

Cool.

Quickie...

To her...

"Senorita, I feel for you. You deal with things that you dont have to. He doesnt love you. I can tell by his charm, but you can feel this real love. If you just lay in my arms..."

You can do better. Trust in that. Let go of the bad to make room for the good. Dont be a "bag lady" either. LOL...

Be back later.

Sim Card Love

Work: 2nd Job: Boredom. I played Solitaire & Bubble Breaker on my phone the entire time. I walked around and pretended to do stuff too...for about five minutes. :)

OK, so I went out for a bit last night. I went to Mafi's with Mohawk. It was pretty fun. I laughed a lot drank beers & had some pizza. Our conversation was a little off the wall about everything & nothing at the same time. People are always amazed by the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. A lot of stuff has happened to me within the course of my young life. Some things I repress. Some things I share.

I told him about when I was younger.

The sexual-ness that I exuded.

Although, not purposely. I was Lolita. Except no boys/men were present.

Cant get into that. Kind of a delicate subject for the parties involved.

I'm gonna get 800009837535975 texts about those statements.

Maybe I'm too honest.

Mohawk: Man, they're smoking. (annoyed look)

Me: I smoke. (sorry but I cant help it look)

Mohawk: You do?

Me: Yeeeah.

It's never a deal breaker when you're cute. They always want to help you quit..haha

He's an Aquarius. Just one of my cosmic matches. (Aquemini.) You guys know that famous duo.

Ive been at work actually working today. I did set some personal goals for myself. I will probably catch up a little later. I am just ready to go home & jump into my bed.

He wants me to come by the studio. I'm not sure if I feel like it.

I erased Big's number. I have these urges to call him and I really cant. He's even off the sim card. :O Yeah, he is. I do want to bump into him again. I like to feel my heart beating.

It lets me know I'm alive.

What are my deal breakers? Ill be back with that soon. Along with some confessions. Juicy...

Baby Take Off Your Cool

Today started off pleasant enough for me. I was stuck in a Benedryl haze last night. I couldn't even keep me eyes open. I talked to Mohawk. Who is very adamant that he has never met anyone like me before. I sort of believe him. I'm trying to be open minded & to give everyone fair shot.

Talk to MB yesterday. I'm not a hater or anything but I don't dig stupid guys who treat my friends bad. I'm usually like, I'm giving my opinion of which holds no merit, but silently hoping they listen. Once a jerk, always a jerk.


This guy right here. That dude needs to just Kick Rocks. She's wayyy too beautiful & smart for him.

Roxy is still sick. It's making me sick. I cant sleep while my dog is puking her guts out. I need to take her to the vet. I know she ate something she wasn't supposed to.

Today I have to work at my other job. I got so much rest last night that I'm actually not feeling that bad about it. It's not really work either. It's more like just standing there & occasionally taking a seat to rest my feet. Next thing I know, it's nine o'clock.

So, I thought about Memphis again & I think I changed my mind. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now with a lot of things. I do miss home, but I don't want to fall into any old ways. More on that as I think it through. Pro's & Con's list time.

Today is Gise's B-day. Guy's is tomorrow. Mine is in 30 days. I think I want to have a party. Maybe a little more low-key than last year. I might just do a dinner or something. Maybe a set. I don't think I want to be in a bar this year. Call me old fashioned. Everyone that is someone start planning on being in town.

Hmm, what else?

I guess all things are calm on the front. When I'm cranky its usually from lack of sleep. More later if I can. I'm gonna get back to work. I have some deadlines to attend to. Why has no one called me at work today. Are you guys still sleep? I envy.

I do wish that he would take off that cool. I miss your braces...

Are you kidding?

Ive been checking out some apartments in Memphis...why in the hell is the cost of living so much lower than it is in Nashville. One bedrooms, in suburbia, with over 700 sq ft...Guess?

They are still in the $500 dollar range. Just had to mention that I am getting jipped. Memphis does have that hellafied crime rate though. Hmmm...

Always in the Middle but I Was Born Last

So, I am going through my usual. Dog woke me up an hour earlier than planned. I can sense when my dog is sick. I just read her all too well. She gets weird. I don't know if you guys have animals but when they are sick they don't want you to see them. They try to hide. Well, I don't let her hide. So, I was basically up with her & missed a vital hour of sleep that cut me to three hours total last night. One.

Then my allergies (I was outside too long yesterday) started in. I have got to get a hold of some Benedryl today & a nap. I got to work & there's endless things that I have to do. No Biggie. One issue: I cant go fast. My brain is not functioning. It's just not. Two.

Them: This is urgent.

Me: I know.

Them: Hurry up.

Me: (insert cheesy smile)

I think I want to move back to Memphis but every time I think about it, I cant help but think I'm digressing. It could be me just having a reactionary to a lot of things about to happen in my life. (A) turning 25. I'm totally not scared of it but its happening. I feel a serious nervous breakdown coming on. (B) The Pursuit of Happyness. Whatever that is to me. I'm still trying to figure that out. (C) Where I fit in the scheme of big business. I'm not sure if I do.

I saw Big last night & realized I have a serious eye contact problem. I don't. I don't want to look into people's souls all the time. Its a gift I realized that I had a long time ago. I look at you & I 'see' you. Scary what I see sometimes.

I did speak.

My heart did flutter.

I ignored the feeling.

Back to self.

I met a guy. Don't remember his name. (As usual) We had a really nice conversation about all the things that guys never ask me or care to know. I think he was intrigued to say the least.

Mohawk: Whats your favorite movie?

Me: She's Gotta Have It. Spike Lee.

Mohawk: (walks off & mutters something inaudible)

Me: What? (smiling)

He was just different. It's something about me that keeps attracting these free spirits. People who live their lives to full extent everyday. People who keep telling me just to jump ship & to not be afraid. He does music. He wants to go to the park with me.

Mohawk: You seem like one of those people that I can hang out with & have no idea where we would end up or never know what to talk about but talks about everything.

Me: Yeah, that's me. Pretty random. That's what scares people about me.

Mohawk: That's what I like.

He hasn't exactly called me but I do have a feeling that he will. He was trying to figure my free time since I technically work at three places right now. We will see. Whats his name?

So, every time I say I'm leaving I stay & every time I stay I feel more trapped. I have got to free myself. My sunshine is blocked right now. That has always been an issue for me. If everything in my life is not in line for happiness, I lose it. This is just not where I'm supposed to be. Some people cope. Some people settle.

I never was quite like anyone else.

Friday

I am actually doing some work today...haha Give me a min & Ill post something. Check back. Ive been working some ideas over in the brain. Keep in mind Ive been going non stop since 4 am. Not cool. Ive never woke up that early in my life! :)

Lolita of Love

Have you ever encountered that person who made you cringe? You know the ones. The ones who know exactly what they are doing, but claims that they don't? Which leads me to my next point. Now, I don't think I play games, but my guy friend (not Big) I recently had a blow out with does.

In most ways everyone can in some ways compare themselves to Lolita. Young, sprite-like, sweet face, young at heart, & cunning. I definitely have some of those qualities. I know what I'm doing to you but at the same time I have a false connection to it so much that I really don't know. Homeboy started playing these Jedi-mind tricks on me & in that instant I was lost like a child. Mimicking my playful spirit "What's wrong?" "What did I do?" with a playful smile. Apparently, Ive been doing it since High School. Really J.O.? I don't recall. Makes you want to investigate yourself.

Nabokov's "Lolita" is as shocking as it was in that time, as it is now. The thought of a man so viciously devouring a child. Or was Lolita really a child? It really forces you into the psyche of both of them. Where do your boundaries of desire end? How would you react to a child who is so obviously well beyond her young mind? We have all seen those kids who grew up in single parent homes where the mother is more concerned with her own sex life than raising her child. The child in turn mimics the mother's desires, doesn't have friends her own age, and is already experiencing sexual things. To that child, there are no bounds of age, just desire in their loins.

While reading the book, I had to sometimes stop. I was disgusted yet eager to see how tasteful Nabokov could make ravaging a nymphet seem. It's like the older men being attracted you younger women. They picture you as this young, naive little girl. Just waiting for "Daddy" to come & teach you a lesson. When in turn the young one knows exactly what she's doing all the long. Lolita satisfied (if I must say) Humbert so she could have all the things she wanted; gifts, participation in school functions, etc. So, do we really deal with "gold diggers" or people who know how to play the game? Like my girl Slim says, "You like me because I'm pretty & I look good on your arm." "I like you because you are rich." (Not exactly in those words but you get the gist)

If there is a basic understanding about the "basis" of the connection...why do so may people hate? You don't know the dynamics of the relationship. Break it down on a cognitive level.(We used to hang out at parties A LOT. So, the majority of guys around us were buying all of our drinks & we pretty much hung with them the whole night. So guys I would talk to later would hit me with the "I thought you were a Gold-digger." OR "I thought y'all were hoes." So, you never thought how the dude would gain by being around me? He's not that attractive but he's around attractive women. It makes the "naive" attractive girl wanna talk to him. It's obviously something about him, right? Wrong. BUT still I get all my drinks for free to create an illusion. Don't knock the hustle. For real. Trust me. If you had the "stunt out" dough, you would have done it too...haha.) -Back on point- The moral side of this book asks, do you think that Humbert was wrong? I still haven't sufficiently answered this question. I am one who acts on pure desire. (First) Leave the thinking (Second) for the suffering consequences. You might lose, but for the moment, that fire in your heart called desire, won. Damn, that shit feels good.

Peace.

Call Tyrone...with his tired a$%

"Tyrone"

[Erykah]

Lets See How Ya'll Groove to this

Alright

I'm gettin' tired of your shit

You don't never buy me nothin'

See Everytime you come around

You got to bring Jim, James, Paul, & Tyrone

See why can't we be by ourselves, sometimes

See I've been having this on my mind

For a long time

I just want it to be

You and me

Like It used to be, Baby

But ya don't know how to act

So matter of fact

[Chorus]

I think ya better call Tyrone (Call Him)

And Tell him come on, Help you get your Shit (Come On, Come on)

You need to Call Tyrone (Call Him)

And tell him I said come on

Now everytime I ask you for a little cash

You say no and turn right around and ask me for some ass

Oh, Well hold up

Listen partna

I ain't no cheap thrill

Cause Miss Badu is always comin' for real

And you know the deal

Everytime we go somewhere

I gotta reach down in my purse

To pay your way and your homeboys way

And sometimes your cousin's way

They don't never have to pay

Don't have no cars

Hang around in bars

Try to hang around with stars

Like Badu

I'm gon' tell you the truth

Show and prove or get the boot

[Chorus]

I think ya better (Call Him)

And tell him come on

Help you get your shit

You need to call Tyrone (Call Him)

Hold On...

...But ya can't use my phone

Im Just a Girl...

So, lately I have been noticing a trend. I know it's NBA semi-finals or finals or whatever. I don't know...I don't keep up with it.

I noticed that guys are a little scarce. I mean...I used to have guy friends who would invite me out or over to watch the game with them or something. BUT this new breed of guys are totally different. They want to be around their guy friends totally. I called a friend yesterday & I'm like, "Lets hang out." "Bring Vodka." Now, if I was a guy, (which I believe I was in my former life) I would have totally wanted to do that. I think that guys think if they watch the game with you, you might bust out & start talking about feelings & relationships or something. I mean, come on. I hate that stuff too. Give me a break. So, he proceeds to tell me (out loud) (I would have made something up) that " I told my boy that I would watch the game with him & drink & smoke." Why on earth would you want to be drunk around another guy? This F%&$er called me at 2:00 am. I called him at 7:30 pm.

What's up with that? What makes you think I want to hang out with you at 2:00 am? I'm just a girl, but I'm not simple. There is nothing happening at 2:00 am but late night stuff. I refuse to be that. You can hang out with me then, but would you go to the park with me, to a art museum, to see a new band? I doubt it. Magically, every guy I know is unavailable until 2:00 am. I know it's getting hot & all the drunk & hot girls are coming out, BUT like my boy says on 'The 40-Year Old Virgin..."First you water the plant, let it grow." "Then you F&%k the plant." LOL. Water me. I'm just saying.

So, that made my night end relatively fast last night. If I would rather take allergy medicine, have a beer, and go to sleep than hang out with you. That says a lot about you, not me.

Sorry, If I seem distant BUT absolutely nothing is happening with me. NOTHING. OMG! So, my CC company has been stalking me. I think that crap is so funny. They get paid. It's just something about giving that money away that I hate. So, get this, they called me at work?!? How on earth did they do that? They are like private investigators or something. Did they Google earth me? LOL. I was astonished. For his efforts, I went ahead and paid...LOL. I know I didn't give them the number but oh well. It's amazing what you can find out using Google. Some websites offer your private info like where you live, used to live, Mum & Dad's name, siblings, people you boned (j/k) but they might as well. For a small fee. My mouth was wide open. You're only gonna charge 30 dollars for someone to probe my life. Thanks for the invasion.

I'm starting to get a little lonely but I'm reveling in the time spent alone. Sometimes, I crave people to be around me. I love attention as much as the next person. Then there are times when I just sit in silence & listen to my thoughts & the sounds that play in my mind. I'm amazed at what I see. My heart is telling me to come down & my mind (so hard-headed) is telling me never to settle for less. You are worth only what you think you're worth & people treat you accordingly. Maybe I should give people more chances. Maybe I should be more vulnerable. People eat the vulnerable for dinner though. I just know that I can never be these ideologies of "the perfect girl". I say stupid stuff. All the time. ALL THE TIME. I don't stroke ego's. I think you should already know you're the shit. I can only chase you so far. Then I get tired of running because I'm out of shape. I'm just me. No games. No chasing.

Gemini mind, soul & body. Why is it when you tell people that, they run the other way? I'm not so bad...once you get to know me. BUT that's the hard part. Breaking the surface.

Better Than Chocolate...

I feel a little better. I didn't eat a crazy calorie fest either. I couldn't even think of something disgusting to eat. Oh Well. I do feel better after that dreaded phone call. Deep down inside I already knew that would be the outcome. All I'm gonna say is thank God for Craigslist & that my parents don't live in a 30 mile radius. Phew!

So, I was riding in the car yesterday & this song comes on the radio. Usually I don't listen but the IPOD is a hustle sometimes. It was about "roasting" people. I don't know if some of you are familiar with that or not. In Memphis...

Roastin': Literally means that you "got on someone" or either you cursed them out, etc.

Checkin': (Which this song is actually about) means that you & either a friend, someone you really don't like but they don't know it yet, or against someone just for sport..you basically just talk about each other. You can make reference to clothes, shoes, parents, cars, etc.

I remember the old days literally dying laughing when two people got to "checkin" each other. Some people are really good at it. When people got to doing the "lookin ass-ninja" I would about die. Do you know how many word combo's you can add "lookin-ass" to? It's infinite. Believe me.

So back to the point. This whole song consisted of combo's of "lookin-ass". I died. It brought be back to days of sitting in a classroom in BBHS. We were pretty square Catholic School students. We had to pass the time somehow. This was one of them. I don't know the name of the song. All I know is that Yung Joc is a feature in it & rather funny his self. People are actively laughing in the background & it doesn't sound like studio laughter.

Also, while riding in the car...that fuckery that R. Kelly calls a song came on. "Hair-Braider" First of all I have to address many issues in this song. "She can't take me on the weekday cause her man be tweakin" (?!?) "My hairbraida so hot I call her my booty shop" (?!?) "How convenient because when she's done I'm gonna hit like all night" (?!?) All I wanna know is, Are you getting paid in dollars or D%#k? I mean, is he serious first off though because NObody wrote that bull but him. You're not even a reputable stylists...he calls you "booty shop" to his friends. Please be getting paid Boonshika. I'm just saying.

What happened to 112? Please come back. I am holding on to the notion that I will never get any real R&B anymore. It's riddled with voice machines, corny sex references & cheesy ass lines. It used to be: Baby, come home & let me take your shoes off & rub your feet. Now it's like: Plain & Simple...Let me blow your back out then go back to the club with my boys & pick up some more breezy's. I'm just not down.

I guess that's one more random thought for the day. I think I'm going to hold off on the Vodka until Friday night. It would just be so much more sweet then. For some reason I keep thinking it is a day ahead of the day it actually is. Tomorrow is going to be a long day so I can't drown myself in Vodka tonight. I need to actually get sleep. I wish someone from "out of town" would come visit me. I need to see a new face and a reason to drink before noon on the weekend...haha.

Peace.

The Pressure

Oh Man, here we go again. I am starting to feel the things build up inside of me. I have sooo much to do between this month & the next that I think my head is going to explode. Next Saturday I wanted to go to the A but that would be so stupid for me to do. I have to, have to, go apartment hunting. Even though, I already know where I want to stay. It's just such a hassle. I have to put my "To Do" list in order. It's the only thing that keeps a mind like mine sane.

Why is it that when you need a man to help you do something, he is nowhere to be found? It's ridiculous, but somehow he's always available for late night pillow talk sessions. So, Ive been trying for at least two months to get someone to help me move my washer & dryer. The run around is amazing. People think they have you going in circles with the excuses. I dont even make a half of a circle. I know bull when I hear it. So, the maintenance people offered to help me get in in the vehicle. I guess Im going to have to summons the help of my crack-ish neighbors for 2-bucks. On second thought, I dont even want them in my house. Nevermind. LOL!

Somehow typing or "writing" makes me relax. It makes me take deep breaths and chill out! So, I am doing good on resisting the urge to go out & party. I am going to the beverage store to pick up some Vodka tonight though. Vodka & wine. I need something stocking the house if Im going to be in there. Im starting to think that the house I moved to is negatively affecting my Feng Shui. There has to be something cluttering my money corner & love corner of my home. Im basically living my whole life out of one room, which is just bad for me anyway. Im used to living over the whole house. Dont get me wrong, I regret no moves that I make, but I do question them sometimes.

-Bad News by telephone-

Dammit, my life sucks sometimes. I'll return later. The rest of my day is going to be pretty damn sucky. Im gonna have a Vodka waterfall at my house later. Im not spell checking either & Im eating something nasty and fattening for lunch. :(

Nope.

Why is it that people are so sad for you when you tell them that you let someone go? I know that in my world it happens within days spans. Like, Friday: I like you. Saturday: I hate you. I cant help that. It's either one or the other with me. You get it or you dont.

Chicas, it's ok. Love just knows what she like, hates, or could possibly deal with. (Reminds me of the grim look on my Mom's face when Im sure she thought I'd be single forever)

Her: How's Big?

Love: Oh, I told him not to call me anymore. (said as casual as saying..Yes, I would like a cookie.)

Her: Why? I thought everything was cool Friday. When did this happen?

Love: Sunday.

Her: (Silence)

Love: I just dont have time for that. I dont really wanna talk to anyone right now.

Maybe Im being naive thinking that this perfect guy will manifest. It's quite the opposite though because I dont expect him to be perfect but when you tell me that you are going to do something or that youre listening to my concerns. Try to actually show that action.

I wasnt thinking of Big until my work phone rang. It's amazing how other people are usually the catalysts into making you think about things that you are very good at forgetting otherwise. I have mastered the art of remembering the things the way I want to remember them. Right before I started to hate you. Michelle "She Hate Me" Love.

Back to work.

Monalisa (1983)

Monalisa by Jean-Michel Basquiat

I actually had the pleasure of watching a movie on Starz about this man's life. Though I was just a young tyke when he was relevant & alive, I could still feel that if I was of age this troubled soul could be my friend. We could have discussed all the things that were wrong in the world. He was troubled as were most in the 80's when fame was entangled with drugs, camera bulbs flashing, & everyone wanting to know you for what you could do for them, rather than how good of a person you were. Im gonna run a small biography of his life. Enjoy.

"Jean-Michel Basquiat (1960-1988), an artist who came to personify the art scene of the 80s,with its merging of youth culture, money, hype, excess, and self-destruction.
In his short life (1960-1988), Jean-Michel Basquiat came to personify the art scene of the 80s, with its merging of youth culture, money, hype, excess, and self-destruction. And then there was the work, which the public image tended to overshadow: paintings and drawings that conjured up marginal urban black culture and black history, as well as the artist's own conflicted sense of identity."

"He was, all at once it seemed, the ultimate party animal, a wannabe streetkid and grafittist hiding his black Brooklyn middle class roots, an advocate and interpreter of the marginal and dispossessed at the court of the mainstream, an angry black aspirant to the all-white art canon, a precocious talent, a creature of cynical marketing and a fraud, a proto-muIticulturalist, an American original."

"As I came across the abundant contradictions, the public perceptions, mythifications and self-inventions that went into the shaping of Basquiat's life and work, the more I wanted to understand how these had all attached to the same person. I set out to create my own picture of Basquiat."

-Robert Knafo (http://www.basquiat.com/)-

Everyone knows (or should know) that the beloved Andy Warhol set out to take & make as much monetary advantage of the young Basquiat. This is what caused a rift in their friendship before Jean-Michel's death. The infamous portrait of Jean-Michel & Warhol in the boxing gloves was not recieved well by Basquiat. Of course he died from continued use of drugs. I believe he lost his soul to the art world. It makes you ask yourself, do you think you could really handle being sold as a product? Do you really want to be famous? How lost would you become?

Movie: Basquiat (1996)

Until later...

Im Pressing Charges...LOL!

More Coon behavior...Courtesy of the A. And people wonder why they get the side eye when they go to Bread & Company on West End. They are just waiting on us to act like this...Yuhhhh! She obviously has emotional issues. I hope.

John Legend- Another Again

I first heard this at Gise's house. I was a repeat offender at the time :) Enjoy.

Kenna- Say Goodbye to Love

Don't you want to just know him? I do.

Blue Skies...

Here's a nice image from my day. I want you guys to know that I am going to have to go back through this blog and plug back in all the n's...haha. So, imagine the blog without the n's. All this work for you guys. So, I went back to the park again today. I wanted to just hang out with my frozen crack, tiramisu, my cellular, & a new book. That didn't exactly work out. These Jamaican guys invited me to play soccer. Umm, I have on sandals dude and bedsides, I'm on a blanket with a book. What about that screams soccer game. I'm not sure.

Jamaican boys spit that game, man. It makes you wonder why the mainland boys don't even try. It was a valiant effort but "I'm not in the market now". "Why you won go an do dat mah, huh?" I'm not even sure. Just don't have the time really to let someone else invade my soul past the exterior. I want to sometimes but the feeling fades before too log. I swear man. I'm usually just over the whole deal before too log. Did I mention that I have to beat the crap out of the letter "b" on my keyboard too? Terrible.

I am back o my Benedryl regime. Sometimes for recreational and sometimes for the actual awful fuggin' allergies I have. Did I mention that I am trying to hibernate for awhile? It's def not the weather for it. I mean, I still go out to places but for more like dinner or a few drinks, movies in the park, something like that. I'm just so fed up with the night life or let me say this, the ordinary night life. I picked up more shifts at work. I'm really trying to not leave time for anything. NOT thinking about guys who's ass I would like to kick. (Mr. Big)

I never got to mention that my stolen lawn chairs were stolen by my crack-head neighbors. Yes, they stole it and have the nerve to sit on it. Right around the corner from my house. I often have dreams of riding by and throwing a rock in her crack riddled throat. If it wasn't for my Mom...I would have but she ran the "God doesn't like ugly" spiel and reminded me that I can get more chairs. She will probably buy me more when I move. I still cant stop those ugly ungodly thoughts though...lol.

Well, my Benedryl is starting to kick in & I wish I had some wine right now or something. I'm staying in but it doesn't mean that I can't have a blast inside.

Nike Dunks & Jean Paul Gaultier

I peeped you over there in your B-boy stance
You smiled (a silent invite)
I obeyed & (YES) I offer to buy (YOU) a drink
Hmm...that's it?
Now this I can swing.
Bartender!...Heineken & two shots of something to remember this sweet meeting by.
You brushed up against me & I swear...
...your soul flashed in my mind's memory.
Is that you?
It's definitely me.
I let you walk away still a thought in my mind's eye...
...I'd rather remember you like this than the disappointment you're destined to become (Period.) (Literally.)

-Me

This is dedicated to that guy. Who remains nameless because I wanted him to.

The End.

Hi, people. I am at work attempting to remember some stuff that I learned last week. It's going well for a Monday morning. I had the breakfast of champions. Not really. Just some oatmeal. I also ended my so called love affair with Mr. Big. I wanted to do it in person or on the phone but as usual he iggs my calls. So, I left it via text since that's the way the world chooses to communicate. I just basically said that I dont have time to hawk someone about talking to me & that it's probably best for me to exit the situation before I get hurt. Get this...as soon as I send the text all of a sudden he's responsive. Boo to that. Now you answer. Now you call. I didnt answer his call because I meant what I said. I may seem like a uber biotch, but I have to take care of me. At this point (the point of no return) I didnt feel I had anything to talk about anymore.

I also spilled coffee on my laptop yesterday. All my home keys were jacked. BUT as of late last night the only key not working is the "N" key. Unfortunately, thats the one I need the most...lol. Hopefully, today that joint will be in order. Also, I am apartment hunting again. I am not in the mood for this but it's about time. Target date is: Early July. I am hiring movers this time. I dont care if it costs me $300 + dollars. I just wanna sip lemonade and watch my stuff appear. More later. Just an update.

Tiramisu...

Hey people. Whats going on? I am again sitting in Cafe Coco. Posted up. Except Im not sitting outside today. It rained last night. I was supposed to go out but after I got back yesterday I had absolutely no strength. None. I was texting back and forth with this chick that I met. I think that she is sweet but we are at two different places in our life. I absolutely enjoy talking to people who are on X-tascy. It is so funny. They run through a small range of emotions BUT all of them are from one extreme to the next.

Poor Roxy. She was so damn tired. I dont even think shes ever been out of the house that long in all her three and a half years on earth. She got a bath when we returned to the house. She was a filthy mess. After that she passed out for what was pretty much the rest of the night. I have been in these funky moods lately. They come and they go. I try to tell people to bare with me because I am just going through my normal phases of life.

You know how one day you like someone & in the next few days you hate them? I swear to God...this one guy is starting to just urk me. Im not sure for me exactly what it is. He is someone that I could see myself with. He is my polar opposite though. It just seems so much like back and forth. So much of the same ol. I need some serious excitement in that department. I always end up saying this and people never believe me but Im just not into sex. I think it's great & I crave it occasionally like the next person but it's not enough to just have sex. This guy is pretty much the same way but in the end...thats all we do. Not even often, so I guess we arent really doing that either. So where does that leave it? Empty.

Its so freaking cold in this damn Cafe. Makes me wish I had on more clothes. So, Im getting really blah about Nashville right now. There is nothing going on this month really. Just the average bullshit. Im sick of going to the same places and seeing the same people over & over again.

Just an update. Im going for more coffee & to smoke a clove. Definitely warm this time. Oh yeah, I smoke....haha. As my girl Syleena would say "Welcome".

Coffee & Cigarettes...

Well, I have decided to redesign this blog and make it totally about me & the happenings in my crazy ass so called life. I live a semi crazy one. Today I decided to go to Café Coco and just hang out. I looove being outside. They have a crazy patio. It’s a totally different vibe in the daytime hours. I'm going to document a small journey for you all (my readers) I wont be blogging on Myspace anymore. So, If you haven’t read those Go read them and catch up.

Last night. I went to a house party. As soon as I pulled up I knew it was going to be shot down. Whats up with chicks man. I love girls but I hate these crazy attitudes they have. Lets have some unity girls. I mean really. Lets gang up on the guys. This was a Med school party. So you basically have a group of people who swear to god they are elite-ness of the world. Now, I am not trying to take anything from your swagger. I love intelligent black people BUT please spare me the long ass introductions that are followed by how many degrees you have. I don’t care. I was like Niccccce. That’s cool. Excuse me, Ill be right back. So, I made up a story about owning a shoe boutique. Hahaa. I love being someone else for a night. My girl Syleena told them that we weren’t invited to the party. She said, we saw a lot of cars on the street and decided to just come in. The look on this dudes face was fucking priceless. He believed her none the less. We had fake names too. Mine was Tina.

After that, we went to this club called Fuel. 18 of up is not my cup of tea but Ill tag along if my girl wants to see her guy. OMG. It sucked BUT it was completely free. I was basically fucking with people in there all night. I took some money from this dude. Right out of his hand and he let me. He was like, oh it's nothing. So, one of the guys I was with started messing with him. Talking about where are the 20’s? You gotta at least give her what I give her. I give her a 1000's. Where is a G in your pocket? I was cracking up. Dude really didn’t have any dough but he insisted on continuing to front. There is no future in fronting. You can & will be exposed people…haha. After that we went back to the house party. As planned it was over.

I proceeded to call a guy I will just call (Mr. Big) Why was he there? He loves that crowd. I seriously think he has a fascination for people in higher education or something. He thinks those guys are cool. There were four cool people in the whole party. I told him to come over when he leaves. Why did it take him soooo long? I started to get pissy. VERY PISSY. When he gets here he tells me that it was his friends condo and that he needed to help him break the party up. Ok. Cool. BUT people here lies my issue. I love my girls & such but eventually I am gonna start trying to snag a guy. I cant be all caught up in their lives and issues because I gotta take care of my own shit. I think that he has this dependency on his friends that is unhealthy. When he has an opportunity of free time he doesn’t want to spend it with me, he’s with them. I haven’t seen you for a week & they have seen you everyday. That’s a fucking issue for me. Seriously.

So, while I am sitting in this café getting my coffee sip on and sun bathing I kinda wanna go get another piercing. I know you guys think I am a crazy ass idiot but it’s something about that feeling that I think I am addicted to like cloves or something. What should I get pierced. I think it’s a nurturing issue too. I like to take care of stuff and piercings give me something to nurse. Major issue I know.

Work has been on some straight bullshit. I hate work. This 9 to 5 just isn't for me. Everyone always ask me what is it that I want to do? When asked I'm put on the spot and I can never come up with something worthwhile to say. I kind of wanted to be a piercer myself. I know that’s bananas and that’s not a career but I think that it is something that I would totally be into. Just to meet new people everyday, the ability to be a damn nomad, the rush of pleasure to me giving pleasure to someone else. It’s fucking exhilarating. I have a girl named Bonnie who does all my piercing. I know you have to apprentice & shit for at least a year or so and I am thinking about asking her to let me sit in with her. I mean, really she’s the only one I know and she’s kick ass.

Well I must go. I think I am gonna stroll around for a bit and soak up the damn sun. Ill post pics of my journey. Im gonna start maybe making multiple posts a day with pictures & definitely blogging everyday for you addicts. Through good, bad, happy, sad, triumphant, nervous, angry, even when I wanna tell someone they suck balls….haha. Invite your friends. Create an account and come check me out on the daily. The inspiration is free. Me, not so much. I cost Muuuuneeeey!!!! Peace.