Gross!

Ok, I just ate the most disgusting Egg Salad sandwhich ever. Who in the hell told them to toast my sandwhich anyhow? Egg salad, lettuce & tomato should be chilled.

I just wasted $6.00.

Also, I told my boss at my second job that I needed some time off. So after I work next weeks schedule, I am home free. I told her I would work some holidays and to switch me to about two weekends a month.

Reason: "Im tired."

Boss: "I understand, I used to have three jobs." "Just let me know when you get your energy level back up and we'll take it from there."

Me: (Sigh) of relief.

I really do love working there. She fuxks with me anyway. She knows how I push myself. Now, I can just breathe. I can work on truly getting myself in order & stop running around like crazy barely remembering what day it is & where Im supposed to be.(See I thought today was Saturday post)

I can just see it now. Me. Rox. My Bed & Wine.

Peace.

Tired

I am almost to my whit's end. This week has been one of the most draining weeks of my life. I didn't work that much at the part-time but for some reason I was just through. My vegetarian lifestyle might be the cause. For someone who has to get her sources of protein by other methods I have been sucking at that, majorly.

I haven't much felt like cooking, which is what vegetarians have to do 90% of the time. I went to Whole Foods yesterday because I was feeling like I might pass out & I was hella sluggish. I loaded up on the hot food bar with a plethora of veggies & I decided to try the tofu "chicken" nuggets. I only got two trying to be as cautious as possible not to load up on something nasty as they are charging me $7.00 a pound for food. I was amazed. The nuggets were so great!

Needless to say, I took to the veggie boards to find that recipe. It just so happens that I have some extra firm tofu at the house that I was trying to figure what to do with. I have a cocktail party tonight & work on Saturday, so I'll probably get to try that recipes out this Sunday. I haven't tried the Boca "chicken" patties that I bought yet either. I also have Tofurkey meat slices that I have to give a try. One thing I noticed about veggie cuisine is that it has a great shelf & fridge life. I need that. I am slow as molasses to eat things. I wasn't terribly impressed with the brand of "sausage" that I bought. It had a cardboard consistency. Reminded me of eating a box that had a garlic flavor...lol

I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet this past weekend. I am the queen of unidentified drugs. So, I took to the Internet & put in any number that were on the pills & voila! Up popped descriptions & images of my pills. Interesting to say the least because I don't recall being prescribed these little babies. I have something for everything though...pain, anxiety (my favs), cold, allergies, muscle pain. I have it all.

Memphis was fun. I got to do everything that I planned. I got stalked out by one of my exes. It was good to see him I guess. Another prime example of a married man chasing. I'm not sure what I did to them, or why they wont forget me, but they wont. It's like they have some weird obsession with me that never dies. How crazy is this...I saw "Big Head", who I will always adore...who I just so happened to dump "High School" for...& I was supposed to go out with "Rabbit" who happened to secretly love me in while in school & just so happens to be "High School's" old best friend. I live for this stuff. That is how intertwined my life is all the time.

"Rabbit" flaked out on me. I think he was scared to go out with me honestly. Not like I'm the shit or anything but I am a beast at dating. He pretty much bullshitted around the entire weekend. He would call just to make himself not seem like a wuss, but he would run me in circles on the phone until I just couldn't take it & I hung up. Saturday night he called me with the "I'm just trying to get myself together" line. I'm like I'm not trying to marry you (he thinks he's going to marry me) I'm just trying to see if we have some chemistry. He frustrates me because all he keeps mentioning is how he "always" loved me. Mind you though, he never said a word to me in high school. This is the shit I have to deal with. He told me he would come to Nashville to see me. My response, "Wait a minute, you mean I'm in your city right now & you're talking about driving to see me 200+ miles at a later date?" "What kind of sense does that make?" "That's dumb." "Boy bye."

What makes him think that I would wait. I don't want to talk to him anymore. He's a wuss. He's one of those guys who would get beat up in a fight trying to defend your honor or let a guy talk to you in his face. Not my type. I have to say that I love take charge dudes. Secretly, every woman loves to be told what to do or what they ARE doing today. Call me and say "Babe, I made reservations at so and so and after that we are going to have drinks with blank and blank & then I rented a movie for when we get home tonight. I swoon. I drool. You have me.

Before I left for home I hooked up with "Spicy Behavior". I have took all associated guilt & trashed it. He & I had a very long conversation about his situation. I don't care who you are; married, single, involved, but if you're up in my house, you've got to let me know everything. In his case, he has no passion. No yearning. He has also learned to block out the guilt of his actions. Before he came over I told him there would be no action taking place. I'm not your jump-off. I had a moment of weakness & you were around. I was actually topped off from the previous occasion...lol. I was goooood! It kind of open my eyes to a man's mind. It's not as complex as we think ladies. It's just discontent. Maybe his woman should spice it up. Maybe I should tone it down.

Honestly though, I haven't been so attracted to a man in a long time. He's penetrated my thought process. I told him that it's probably the Gemini in me...the whole knowing I cant have you makes me want you more thing. He thinks that after his stuff goes through, I wont be interested in him anymore. I laughed while I kissed his neck & I whispered in his ear softly..."I wont."

Proceed.

Peace.

Seriously...In real life

I dont even know or want to say anything about this clip. Though, I laughed my ass off. Somewhere in the D T-Baby was serious about this song. RIP to all the homies she named. :)

Spicy Behavior...

Had a pretty interesting weekend to say the least. Friday was a complete bust. I ended up just coming home & reading the next chapter in "The Purpose Driven Life". Interesting book that one is.

I admit, I have been feeling a little lost these days.

Saturday, I woke up & ate some cereal. (Boring) Went right back to sleep. Woke up & made myself look like something & went to work. I hadn't been there in quite some time. Work was uneventful. I made $0.00 on a Saturday. That's just bad for business. Syleena & I went to Lot & were bored to pieces. Decided to go to The Place. It was over-crowded as usual. We finagled our way through the VIP & managed to run into one of the local DJ's for the radio station & he got us in free. Thanks Dolo. I wouldn't pay $20.00 for that.

So, at Lot on the way out I bumped into this amazing looking guy that I once spoke to on a separate occasion. We speak mostly, but he's in a situation if you catch my drift. I also ran into him at The Place. This time, I decided to go work my flirt. I was getting ready to go and he asked for my number. I obliged to add him to the list of people who I already don't call or engage.

Needless to say, he hit me up. He came over & we engaged in some Spicy Behavior. It's been a minute since I have actually been attracted to someone with such force. I mean I was like a magnet on his fridge if you know what I mean people. After I gave in to pleasure of the flesh he went in my fridge & cut up my watermelon for me that Ive been meaning to eat. Yum! He eluded to coming back to my place in weekends to come. Did I mention that this is some one's man? Awful. Makes me give up on the fact that if I EVER decide to tie the knot that a man could actually be true.

He kept asking how often I participate in such activities. Not that it was any of his business but I don't. When I am feeling particularly lioness- like...he was pretty much a victim of circumstance. I am choosy though. It cant just be anyone. I have to admit I have had mind fantasies about this one. Did he live up to those? Partly. He's does a few good things that had me crawling trying to get away...LOL.

The night ended with a "Come here babe...(insert very sensual kiss) (kiss like he belonged to me kiss)" & *Poof* he was gone all over again. Like it was just my twisted imagination messing with me again.

I am going to Memphis this weekend. I cant wait. I am driving down on Thursday after work. I was talking to my Mom about it. She is always happy to have me. Although, I don't have a bed anymore. My room has become her personal dressing closet. It's still nice to be in my old room, sleeping in & not having to worry about ANYTHING. It's also Ton's birthday so Ill be attending that Saturday. BUT Friday...I am going to meet a friend for lunch & I am also going to see my Granny. I haven't seen her in so long that I should be ashamed. Friday night though I am going to lay in the den & watch movies until I pass out. Also, spend some time curling up in my Mom's lap like the big baby I am.

Rox got sick on Tuesday last week. I almost lost it. I had to take her to the Emergency Vet. Apparently she had a bacteria infection. They gave her a shot & some pills. She is back to herself now. Anytime Roxy doesn't eat a treat. Something is terribly wrong. Poor thing couldn't control her body functions. I missed work. Needless to say...they were pissed. I didn't give a Rat's ass though. Roxy is my child. I wasn't going to let my dog die for $60.00. Not a chance in hell. It wasn't like I was lounging or something. I was at the Vet until 8:30 & it also cost me $200.oo buckaroos for that visit too. Just like a real child...lol

That's a small update. I did get laid though. So, overall I cant complain...haha. We will see though. As wrong as this is, I feel like that one has a lot of pinned up desire & so do I. I think we will be taking it out on each other...Often.

Kids in LA Who Probably Went to Private School

Give Me the Gold...classic

Im probably going to hell for this BUT

in my defense...I think Eli Porter is normal. "Im the best mayne, I did it!" If you havent seen this gem before...Enjoy! I saw this on a blog I frequent.

Fresh...

Yesterday...I cut the perm that was left in my hair. It wasnt much. I have been growing my hair out. I wanted to start new. So, of course its short. I felt really weird about it at first. I woke up this morning & I'm like, wow. You can see my face. I can see my face. There is nothing for me to hide behind. I am all natural. I miss touching my scalp. I did have to buy bandaids to hide my neck piercing for work. It's not like a nose ring or anything. It's a major statement.

Maybe it will be easier to read me.

I told Big to just leave me alone. I meant it this time. He's so useless. He takes up space in my life in more ways than one. I don't want him in that orifice of my heart. He should just keep out.

I told my girl the other day that I was starting into the brink of loneliness. Funny part is I'm just waiting for someone to knock me off my feet. To sweep me. I haven't felt like that in a really long time. I believe that is what I miss the most: Intimacy.

I have still been taking my Vitamins & Supplements. My skin, hair, & nails are reaping the benefits of that. I made it through my first week of no meat. My test is always the weekend. I went to Brunch Sunday with S. I opened up this container on the table & there it was...Bacon. I love Bacon more than Chicken...LOL. I closed it so fast. If I stared at it too long I would for sure pick some up.

I haven't worked out in a few days but I am going today. So, the girl I entertained briefly told me that I "Suck at Life"...LOL. I'm like, Ok, I deserve that I guess.

Girl: "So, I guess you didn't like me, huh?"

Me: "Yeah, you're nice. I just have a hard time with my follow through. I told you that, but you CAN call me." (In retrospect that does sound pretty shitty)

Girl: "Boooo...you suck at life."

Me: "Yeah, I guess I deserve that."

Girl: "Yeah, you do."

Me: "Ok, babe."

The End.

Now, a "normal" person would have apologized or tried to explain, or rather lie, & make up an excuse. Me I was content with adding another person to the "Resent Me" list. She will be ok. She's young. She shall move forward.

I do feel that sometimes I don't let people like me. It will just take someone very STRONG to claim me. Some one out there wont let me cower and run away. In the mean time I continue to sleep alone.

I'm going to Memphis next weekend. I am happy about that. I get to go home & lay in my Mother's lap. Yes, I still do that. It's just something about her love that makes me feel whole. Probably because it's the only case of unconditional love that I know. I always wonder could I love another person like that. That deep. That meaningful.

I am going to see J when I'm there. I have to satisfy my curiosity question. He thinks that he loves me. I think that there is no way that he could. We barely even talked to each other in High School. As a matter of fact I dated his Ace...lol. I also have to see my best friends baby. My Mother keeps her so I don't have to make an appointment for that.

Well, peeps, just wanted to update you on what Ive been busy doing. I will post a pic of my hair tonight. I feel so strong. I am a woman.

Last Night

Yesterday: I went shopping for some things from the Whole Foods Store & my neighborhood Publix. I pretty much have a green refrigerator now. Nothing but fresh fruits & vegetables & only Vegetarian Eggs & Soy milk. I am trying to limit my dairy. I also bought Veggie Burgers & Veggie Hot dogs. Ill let you know how those taste.

So far Ive noticed by eating as many of these foods, mostly raw except at dinner. I am alot more full & I have a lot more energy. I have healthy skin & nails as well. I haven't yawned once today. I also picked up some supplements. If I am going to go at living a vegetarian lifestyle I have to make sure that I get the nutrients that meat supplies. I got some Flax seed Meal, Vitamin C, Multivitamins, & I also take Vitamin D, & Vitamin E, & Acidophilus.

I work out 5 days a week for about an hour. It started at thirty minutes but I found that as soon as I changed my diet it was alot easier to keep going once I got started. I'm excited about the change. I am also in the process of setting up an appointment for Colon Hydrotherapy. Just to cleanse out the body. My diet is extremely high in fiber & I just want everything to be moving along smoothly.

I was reading my old journal yesterday night & I realized that I really miss V. I mean, I was so open with him. I had this playful spirit. It was fresh, young, & new everyday. He made me radiate. It was something about learning something new about him everyday that made life worth living. I was just getting out of that wretchid relationship with the Jamaican Boy. I was hurt or better yet wounded. I miss V. I wish I could just smell his neck sometimes. I get so nostalgic.

I talked to J yesterday. He pissed me off. That's hard. I just don't think he & I are compatible. He tells me I will learn to love him. I think not. Love is not something you learn to have for someone. It's either a possibility or its not. My astrologer told me that I live to be in love. Isn't that a bitch? She seems to think that my purpose on earth is to find someone, mate, & have hella kids. I'm like WOW. I do see myself as a nurturer though. Im devoid of expressing my own emotions but people always cry on my shoulder for some reason. It makes me feel extremely awkward. I live for love...that explains alot. I kind of fell off with the girl too. I cant remember to engage with her. I tend to live in my own world until my phone rings....so sad. She likes me.

I get sad sometimes. VERY sad. I would like someone on the other side of my bed with Roxy in the middle. I crave that so much because I miss it. Its one thing that cannot be forced though. You either have it or you don't in my book. I haven't met anyone that I couldn't stand to be without in a long time. Starting to feel like I never will.

I have to push on with the day of course & just keep cultivating myself & enlightening my body & soul. I have started within & maybe one day someone will see that light that shines so radiantly in me too.

Bye.

Gold & Chocolate...

What's up people? Well, I realized that my place of employment is against me taking personal time to write i my blog. I noticed that I no longer can get on blogspot. Bullshit! It keeps me sane sometimes.

I noticed that I have some new visitors. Welcome! I know its slow but I am perfecting my writing craft none the less. Big called me yesterday. I had a chick over that I was entertaining but you all should know that since I'm single I do what I want. AND besides...I had to hear what Big had to say about his no call no show the other night.

Big: "Before I get started let me start by saying I'm soo sorry." (Random story...sounds the same)

Love: "Well, Thanks for calling to apologize."

Big: "Are you mad?"

Love: "You cant be mad when you already expect the worse from people" "It's business as usual babe."

Maybe, I shouldn't be so nonchalant, but I cant help it. My vulnerability as always been an issue. I hung out with "HER" & it was cool. It's different for me when I hang around girls because I'm the guy in the situation. I'm not touchy feely & I generally do just want to talk.

I think that my libido is GONE. That's scary. I have absolutely no sexual wants right now. I guess that's good.

Well, I start my healthy lifestyle diet officially tomorrow. Going to my local Publix & Whole Foods. All fruits, all veggies. Everyday. Of course nuts & legumes are included. I worked out super hard today too. So, the Benedryl is setting in now.

Oh, yeah...Did I mention that I am going au natural soon. No more sew in for awhile. Gotta go. Thanks black girl for coming by. I read you everyday! :)