Nutty Pt 1

Ive had the craziest times these last few weeks.

Im so damn random. My mom wanted me to get a YMCA membership. Something about meeting new people & getting out of my house. So, I did. The YMCA is right next to a Animal Shelter. So, I went in & I came out with a Miniature Pincher named Simone. Simone has many common shelter dog issues. A. Will not let me out of her sight. B. Sneaky C. Biter. C...is being handled with Roxy's old "beat that ass stick." Roxy is my 4 year old Chihuahu. I think they both have Kennel Cough now. Thanks Metro Animal.

I painted my house. I used Behr paint which is great. I only fell out of the chair once. I fell at a reeeeally good angle so I didnt hurt myself too bad. I followed the guidelines of Feng Shui in choosing colors & arranging furniture. My Chi has definitely improved. It improved so much that something (I thought) was great happened.

I met two men in the same day. Both of which I think are married. One only calls at odd hours in the AM...like 9am. The other came over to visit & told me that he had a girl. Like all the others he insisted they were "breaking up". "She's pregnant & she kind of lives with you?!?" Boy Bye!!! He's upset that I dont want to rap with him. I told him that he could take me out but that he couldnt come over anymore until he got all his stuff together. Im no DIP! (unless I choose...haha)At least at a drinking hole I can get tipsy off you & holla at someone else when you go to the bathroom.

He was really mad too. Because you know I really said that.

I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee of ERNEST BRADLEY. EB to some, Pimp, Ex Army Guy, Identity Theft Victim, Bi-sexual, Stripper, Deathbed, Hospital Dweller, Coke & Iphone Invester, Molded House, Engaged but never married, Girl who looks like Alicia Keys (a crackhead version), New house that never existed, Nurse who gives away prescriptions, TV promiser, Phantom Lawyer, Comcast Collections Guy. Yesssssssssss! All those things come with bogus ass stories he told me told. I got a laugh out of all of them. Most recent one being the "Identity Theft Victim". They aint getting no card with your ripped ass credit. They were probably pissed.

So, for all that didnt know EB has been taking care of T-mobile for about two years. He asked, I accepted. It was har times then. Fast foward to today and that negro couldnt make a payment on time to solve a "Saw" riddle. This time, I was FED UP! So, he proceeds to tell me that he took me & his son off of his bill & he pays his separately. WTF?!? "How long EB?" "For a few months now." This is not something that this negro needs to tell me. He told me the phone would be off for two days because someone stole his identity. This man is 40 something & doesnt have a single back up plan. Maybe he was tired of me or something. Im glad if so.

I marched to T-mobile & I turned that sucker on in my OWN NAME. Jesus! I called & left him the nastiest "Thank you but Fuck you" voicemail on *67. You know he cant have my new number, right? I. DONT. THINK. SO. Bless the next poor unsupecting 20 something. I hope she has a hellafied sense of humor. She's in for some laughs. I thought you were about to die? (Inside joke)

Ive taken up Cycling, Yoga, & Strength Training at the YMCA. I have a total new respect for Lance Armstrong. Oh my Gee! That is so intense. It feels great though when youre done. For the record...YMCA's are diffrent based on demographic areas & it sucks. I wanted to support my neighborhood one but they never have classes after work. The "other" one has a freakin Subway in it, A Massage Therapists, a Shoe Shiner, & Office Suites. I about died. It was like the Y of all Y's.

There is this girl...I so need to stop. She is hot. I am going to try. Maybe the way my secret admirer got me. I cant give out too many details...I probably should find out her name first.

Part 2 Soon...There's Homecoming, Ambien, Walking out of hotels in yesterdays clothes & so so much more. Ha!

This Dude is Serious Too...

Ok, I just about die everytime I hit play on this. It's gotten to the point that I dont even have to watch it, I just listen & laugh now. OMG! Youtube will be the death of me. If only I had the patience to look myself.

Supa Nova Slom- Midnite. Enjoy!

Songs That I Am Ashamed to Say I Enjoyed...

There are times when I put my Ipod on shuffle. I have about 3,000 songs roughly, so it can get pretty scary. Here is a list of currently shuffled songs that made me chuckle or look puzzled when played.

10. Terrance Howard aka Dee Jay, Maine! Dee Jay!(that's how Taraji P Henson said he like it spelled out on his chain)- Whoop That Trick- Hustle & Flow Soundtrack
This song is about the worst thing I have ever heard, but it is absolutely hilarious if you partake in things of the green variety. The movie was even funnier. "Im in chaaaarrrgggge" kept me lauging for at least 2 hours, which is about the length of the movie. This song is about how all Memphis music sounds. Guilty pleasure: Actually saying "Whoop that Trick" in a crowded Memphis club.

9. Sisqo- The Thong Song- Unleash the Dragon
Wow. "Dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. All night longggg. Let me see that thonggggg." I was about 16 & used to frequent teeny bopper clubs in Memphis. I used to sweat to this joint & I was wearing my thong th-thong th-thong too!

8. The Pack- Vans
I dont even wear sneakers at all, yet alone Vans, so I really should not have been rocking to this at all. I have one pair of Nike Shox & they are as clean as the day I bought them. I cant relate.

7. Ghetto Twinz- Responsibility
I laugh at this song. My homegirl & I used to recite this like we were going through it ourselves. "Well if I didn't write rhymes, where the hell I'd be, and if I didn't pay rent, where the hell I'd sleep. I ain't depending on my man cause he ain't worth it, and if I did depend on mine I'll be a stuck out chick. I keep my eyes on my riches, women do the same. Ain't no love in this game ain't a damn thing changed."
Right. Who remembers this song? I need to be shot.













6.Alicia Keys- No One- As I Am
Yeah, I know. People really liked this song. I did too, but it quickly fizzled. They played this song wayyy too much. This is how the hate started. I remember my girl had some friends in town & we all decided to kick it at my house. They bought the beer but forgot something at the store. I told him I would ride with him. Do you know this dude blasted that song from his Impala speakers? I mean singing and tapping the steering wheel full on. Alicia was literally raping my poor eardrums at a rapid pace. THE SONG WAS ON REPEAT! We got back to my house & he asked was it on my Ipod. Update: He went in the store to get condoms. I didnt get the memo that beer makes the panties fall. FAILED MISSION.

5. Young Dro- My Girl - Best Thang Smokin
Oh, yeah! Retro "I Kissed a Girl". Be it that I have actually had a girl & a guy this was particularly funny to me. The line "We be ballin, you be callin. Why you over there again?" Ahahaha. I could just see a guy asking that shit....because that girl over there is doing stuff that you dont know how to do...haha.

4. Webbie- Gimme That- Savage Life
I should be so ashamed for the rights of women for shaking my toosh to this & similar Webbie jams. He was insiting that if I didnt give it to him, he was just going to take it anyway. "You know you want it girl. Dont act like you dont want. Girl, you want it just as bad I do." What if I really didnt actually "want" it? Whatever "it" is.

3.Plies- Shawty
I hate Plies. He's dumb. "Soon as I seen her, shit, told her I'd pay for it." Pay for what exactly? Im not sure. Now, in the video he payed some girl's rent who had received an eviction notice. Im assuming she slept with him after that.

2. J-Lo- All My Love- That Was Then, This Is Now
J-Lo cant sing. (Jaime Fox said it best in his comedy special) Listening to it now was like hearing nails on a chalkboard. LL Cool J was the best thing that happened to this song & his part wasnt anymore dope than her cooing. It was origionally done by Debra & Ronnie Laws & it should have been left that way.

1. Lil Flip- The Way We Ball- Underground Legend
Maybe music has got faster but this song is extremely slow & remedial. I blame it on the syzzurp. "I'm Lil' Flip, I'm back on the scene, freestyle king. Brand new piece, same byzentine. I'm still sippin lean, I'm still watchin "Scream". I love wearin platinum, but my favorite color's green. I'm hoppin out Ferraris, my house is three stories. I'm still independent cause Jive couldn't afford me. The meetings were boring, for real I was snoring." What the fuck? I could have made that shit up myself.

Honorable mentions:
Trina featuring Kelly Rowland- Here We Go
Young Joc- It's Going Down
The Spice Girls- 2 Become 1
Bow Wow featuring Chris Brown- Shorty Like Mine
Yo Gotti- Shawty
Maceo- Hoe Shit Down

Hope you enjoyed.

Americaaaaa, Fuck Yeaaaah!

In regards to comments made by Dallas Mavericks player Josh Howard.


"2. To call slavery genocide is inane. Genocide is the intentional killing of a goup of people. The last thing the slave traders wanted was a dead slave. Moreover, the slaves in America generally were better treated than the slaves in Africa. And the silver lining of slavery is that because of slavery, millions of blacks now have the opportunity to live in this land of opportunity."


*We still live here with people who think like this.

Oh.My.(Insert whatever you worship).

My OCD

So, I finally found out where the damn strings from Lil Wayne's song "Comfortable" with Babyface came from.

They were at the end of Alicia Keys song "You Dont Know My Name". At about the 4:20 mark it goes into a string instumental to end the song.

Voila! The strings appeared.

For now a part of my Obsessive Behavior can be put to rest. I still dont know if the strings are an original composition by our lovely friend Kanye & that is bothering me.

I could have sworn I heard them in a movie or another track in a completely diffrent genre.

Le sigh.

Im out of Xanax too.

Le BIG sigh.

Gobble-de-guck...

Why on earth did Big text me?

Big: "Hey, Love. Long time no hear."

Me: (Duh, I dont like you.-non verbal-) "Who is this?"

Big: "I guess I have the wrong number."

Me: "Dont be a jerk. I have a new phone."

Big: "Big."

Me: "Oh, hi."

Big: (No response)

None needed.

I seem to have kirked out on my lovah. Probably scared him. My monthly seemed to have put me in a very horny disposition along with the hormones & supplements I take on a daily...lol. Wow! I was having dreams and all. I guess Im not going to be getting laid anytime soon.

Insert sad face.



Oh well. I should be ok. I met a guy. He's a chef. Seems nice enough. I might be a little faster than him but I need to slow down anyway. I was sick this past weekend & he made me some veggie soup. I asked him what was in it & as he started to speak all the beautiful fluent chef words I lit up with glee. Parsnips? Have you ever heard a guy say Pasnips? Hell no! I swoon. Why was he born on my birthday? We might have a little too much in common. Male geminis I have learned are much diffrent though. Very.

So, needless to say there was no "Classic" weekend for me. My ass was in the house sneezing & sweating out Theraflu. Why does that stuff wake you in the middle of the night feeling crakish? I always wake up in a cold sweat with a serious dry mouth that water alone cant cure.

Did you know that most over the counter sleep aides are in fact just Benedryl? People would always laugh when I told them I took Benedryl to sleep. My absolute favorite allergy medicine. Plainly put: You sneeze, you take Benedryl, you sleep, you wake up, no sneeze. Who can complain? Which brings me to my next rant: IN-FUCKIN-SOM-NIA!

I cant sleep. No matter how hard I try. Thought about seeing a doctor while I still have this good ol' work provided insurance. I'm too lazy to look for a doctor in my network. It involves online & time. So, I went to visit my local Walgreens, looking like a damn idiot. I had on a shirt that would clearly show my rings under my shirt, some terrible Old Navy powder blue shorts, Tar-get flip flops, a headband, raggedy pony-tail, a jacket, my glasses, & a purse that clearly does not go with my outfit of shitdom. Im patrolling the self meds section & WTF?!? You mean all this time I have been taking Benedryl when I buy these expensive ass sleeping pills? So, I go pick up the Benedryl. It has 25mg per pill.

Benedryl: 25mg per pill. 25x3=75 = no sleep anymore

Sominex: 50mg per pill. 50x2=100 = we shall freaking see

Wal-nex: 50mg per pill. (Same active ingredients+ 3 bucks cheaper) = Sold!

I proceeded to then go ask the Pharmacist if there was any over the counter that had more that fifty milligrams. You would have thought he thought I was a crackhead. What he doesnt realize is I havent slept through the night in over 3 days. Screw you. How dare you judge me?



At least Im not Tyrone Biggums. At least I didnt sell your house to have a $250,000 crack party...LOL. I just want to go to sleep. Seriously...

The Wal-nex did work. I just wonder how long it will be before I have to increase my dosage by another 50mg. I slept like a baby. Roxy was all warm. She was probably just happy I actually slept. She would usually come from under the covers & stare at me like, Woman, will you stop moving please! I envied her in all her doggie freedom...the damn snoring and all. Yes, my dog snores. All 5 lbs of her. Loudly.

So, my seemingly quiet neighborhood is not all quiet these days. I live in B-wood which is a small affluent suburb in Nashville. The last past few nights it has been the "Ski-mask" way around these parts.




Part of the reason I dont sleep. (Que Cee-lo's song "The Night-time")

[Cee-lo]
Late in the evening
there is the thieving and the trickin and the trappin
and they ain't actin
We make it happen
We'll get the guns on anyones and get to clappin'

The nightlife the dark side of the city
Gon' be on 24 inches and be defenseless
The nightlife the dark side of my heart
Where no one really knows you and no one supposed you
The nightlife the dark side of my soul
Where if somebody crossed you, kill 'em up off you
The nightlife the dark side of the moon
Where the sun is scared to come

Take me where the darkness is still beautiful

The night is gonna getcha
ahh it's gonna getcha
The night is gonna getcha

[End]

That's how it's been feeling lately. People are getting real desperate around here. All I can do is pray and try to not worry so much. I do think that they are targeting Hispanic families that live on the other side of my neighborhood. They havent really ventured down my way yet mainly because it is patrolled constantly by police. They think it is the same guys & they are getting pretty bold. They did three apartments yesterday & they shot a teenage boy in the foot. Man...I think to myself sometimes & I just shake my head. I have been so blessed in my life but the people who have nothing to live for but the day to day: They simply scare me. Mainly, because they are ruthless in pursuit of the things that they think that they need.

Im just ranting now. I need to get back to work. Peace & Safety. We need it these days.

Lock your doors! The recession is fucking with people's rational thinking.

Love.

Gross!

Ok, I just ate the most disgusting Egg Salad sandwhich ever. Who in the hell told them to toast my sandwhich anyhow? Egg salad, lettuce & tomato should be chilled.

I just wasted $6.00.

Also, I told my boss at my second job that I needed some time off. So after I work next weeks schedule, I am home free. I told her I would work some holidays and to switch me to about two weekends a month.

Reason: "Im tired."

Boss: "I understand, I used to have three jobs." "Just let me know when you get your energy level back up and we'll take it from there."

Me: (Sigh) of relief.

I really do love working there. She fuxks with me anyway. She knows how I push myself. Now, I can just breathe. I can work on truly getting myself in order & stop running around like crazy barely remembering what day it is & where Im supposed to be.(See I thought today was Saturday post)

I can just see it now. Me. Rox. My Bed & Wine.

Peace.

Tired

I am almost to my whit's end. This week has been one of the most draining weeks of my life. I didn't work that much at the part-time but for some reason I was just through. My vegetarian lifestyle might be the cause. For someone who has to get her sources of protein by other methods I have been sucking at that, majorly.

I haven't much felt like cooking, which is what vegetarians have to do 90% of the time. I went to Whole Foods yesterday because I was feeling like I might pass out & I was hella sluggish. I loaded up on the hot food bar with a plethora of veggies & I decided to try the tofu "chicken" nuggets. I only got two trying to be as cautious as possible not to load up on something nasty as they are charging me $7.00 a pound for food. I was amazed. The nuggets were so great!

Needless to say, I took to the veggie boards to find that recipe. It just so happens that I have some extra firm tofu at the house that I was trying to figure what to do with. I have a cocktail party tonight & work on Saturday, so I'll probably get to try that recipes out this Sunday. I haven't tried the Boca "chicken" patties that I bought yet either. I also have Tofurkey meat slices that I have to give a try. One thing I noticed about veggie cuisine is that it has a great shelf & fridge life. I need that. I am slow as molasses to eat things. I wasn't terribly impressed with the brand of "sausage" that I bought. It had a cardboard consistency. Reminded me of eating a box that had a garlic flavor...lol

I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet this past weekend. I am the queen of unidentified drugs. So, I took to the Internet & put in any number that were on the pills & voila! Up popped descriptions & images of my pills. Interesting to say the least because I don't recall being prescribed these little babies. I have something for everything though...pain, anxiety (my favs), cold, allergies, muscle pain. I have it all.

Memphis was fun. I got to do everything that I planned. I got stalked out by one of my exes. It was good to see him I guess. Another prime example of a married man chasing. I'm not sure what I did to them, or why they wont forget me, but they wont. It's like they have some weird obsession with me that never dies. How crazy is this...I saw "Big Head", who I will always adore...who I just so happened to dump "High School" for...& I was supposed to go out with "Rabbit" who happened to secretly love me in while in school & just so happens to be "High School's" old best friend. I live for this stuff. That is how intertwined my life is all the time.

"Rabbit" flaked out on me. I think he was scared to go out with me honestly. Not like I'm the shit or anything but I am a beast at dating. He pretty much bullshitted around the entire weekend. He would call just to make himself not seem like a wuss, but he would run me in circles on the phone until I just couldn't take it & I hung up. Saturday night he called me with the "I'm just trying to get myself together" line. I'm like I'm not trying to marry you (he thinks he's going to marry me) I'm just trying to see if we have some chemistry. He frustrates me because all he keeps mentioning is how he "always" loved me. Mind you though, he never said a word to me in high school. This is the shit I have to deal with. He told me he would come to Nashville to see me. My response, "Wait a minute, you mean I'm in your city right now & you're talking about driving to see me 200+ miles at a later date?" "What kind of sense does that make?" "That's dumb." "Boy bye."

What makes him think that I would wait. I don't want to talk to him anymore. He's a wuss. He's one of those guys who would get beat up in a fight trying to defend your honor or let a guy talk to you in his face. Not my type. I have to say that I love take charge dudes. Secretly, every woman loves to be told what to do or what they ARE doing today. Call me and say "Babe, I made reservations at so and so and after that we are going to have drinks with blank and blank & then I rented a movie for when we get home tonight. I swoon. I drool. You have me.

Before I left for home I hooked up with "Spicy Behavior". I have took all associated guilt & trashed it. He & I had a very long conversation about his situation. I don't care who you are; married, single, involved, but if you're up in my house, you've got to let me know everything. In his case, he has no passion. No yearning. He has also learned to block out the guilt of his actions. Before he came over I told him there would be no action taking place. I'm not your jump-off. I had a moment of weakness & you were around. I was actually topped off from the previous occasion...lol. I was goooood! It kind of open my eyes to a man's mind. It's not as complex as we think ladies. It's just discontent. Maybe his woman should spice it up. Maybe I should tone it down.

Honestly though, I haven't been so attracted to a man in a long time. He's penetrated my thought process. I told him that it's probably the Gemini in me...the whole knowing I cant have you makes me want you more thing. He thinks that after his stuff goes through, I wont be interested in him anymore. I laughed while I kissed his neck & I whispered in his ear softly..."I wont."

Proceed.

Peace.

Seriously...In real life

I dont even know or want to say anything about this clip. Though, I laughed my ass off. Somewhere in the D T-Baby was serious about this song. RIP to all the homies she named. :)

Spicy Behavior...

Had a pretty interesting weekend to say the least. Friday was a complete bust. I ended up just coming home & reading the next chapter in "The Purpose Driven Life". Interesting book that one is.

I admit, I have been feeling a little lost these days.

Saturday, I woke up & ate some cereal. (Boring) Went right back to sleep. Woke up & made myself look like something & went to work. I hadn't been there in quite some time. Work was uneventful. I made $0.00 on a Saturday. That's just bad for business. Syleena & I went to Lot & were bored to pieces. Decided to go to The Place. It was over-crowded as usual. We finagled our way through the VIP & managed to run into one of the local DJ's for the radio station & he got us in free. Thanks Dolo. I wouldn't pay $20.00 for that.

So, at Lot on the way out I bumped into this amazing looking guy that I once spoke to on a separate occasion. We speak mostly, but he's in a situation if you catch my drift. I also ran into him at The Place. This time, I decided to go work my flirt. I was getting ready to go and he asked for my number. I obliged to add him to the list of people who I already don't call or engage.

Needless to say, he hit me up. He came over & we engaged in some Spicy Behavior. It's been a minute since I have actually been attracted to someone with such force. I mean I was like a magnet on his fridge if you know what I mean people. After I gave in to pleasure of the flesh he went in my fridge & cut up my watermelon for me that Ive been meaning to eat. Yum! He eluded to coming back to my place in weekends to come. Did I mention that this is some one's man? Awful. Makes me give up on the fact that if I EVER decide to tie the knot that a man could actually be true.

He kept asking how often I participate in such activities. Not that it was any of his business but I don't. When I am feeling particularly lioness- like...he was pretty much a victim of circumstance. I am choosy though. It cant just be anyone. I have to admit I have had mind fantasies about this one. Did he live up to those? Partly. He's does a few good things that had me crawling trying to get away...LOL.

The night ended with a "Come here babe...(insert very sensual kiss) (kiss like he belonged to me kiss)" & *Poof* he was gone all over again. Like it was just my twisted imagination messing with me again.

I am going to Memphis this weekend. I cant wait. I am driving down on Thursday after work. I was talking to my Mom about it. She is always happy to have me. Although, I don't have a bed anymore. My room has become her personal dressing closet. It's still nice to be in my old room, sleeping in & not having to worry about ANYTHING. It's also Ton's birthday so Ill be attending that Saturday. BUT Friday...I am going to meet a friend for lunch & I am also going to see my Granny. I haven't seen her in so long that I should be ashamed. Friday night though I am going to lay in the den & watch movies until I pass out. Also, spend some time curling up in my Mom's lap like the big baby I am.

Rox got sick on Tuesday last week. I almost lost it. I had to take her to the Emergency Vet. Apparently she had a bacteria infection. They gave her a shot & some pills. She is back to herself now. Anytime Roxy doesn't eat a treat. Something is terribly wrong. Poor thing couldn't control her body functions. I missed work. Needless to say...they were pissed. I didn't give a Rat's ass though. Roxy is my child. I wasn't going to let my dog die for $60.00. Not a chance in hell. It wasn't like I was lounging or something. I was at the Vet until 8:30 & it also cost me $200.oo buckaroos for that visit too. Just like a real child...lol

That's a small update. I did get laid though. So, overall I cant complain...haha. We will see though. As wrong as this is, I feel like that one has a lot of pinned up desire & so do I. I think we will be taking it out on each other...Often.

Kids in LA Who Probably Went to Private School

Give Me the Gold...classic

Im probably going to hell for this BUT

in my defense...I think Eli Porter is normal. "Im the best mayne, I did it!" If you havent seen this gem before...Enjoy! I saw this on a blog I frequent.

Fresh...

Yesterday...I cut the perm that was left in my hair. It wasnt much. I have been growing my hair out. I wanted to start new. So, of course its short. I felt really weird about it at first. I woke up this morning & I'm like, wow. You can see my face. I can see my face. There is nothing for me to hide behind. I am all natural. I miss touching my scalp. I did have to buy bandaids to hide my neck piercing for work. It's not like a nose ring or anything. It's a major statement.

Maybe it will be easier to read me.

I told Big to just leave me alone. I meant it this time. He's so useless. He takes up space in my life in more ways than one. I don't want him in that orifice of my heart. He should just keep out.

I told my girl the other day that I was starting into the brink of loneliness. Funny part is I'm just waiting for someone to knock me off my feet. To sweep me. I haven't felt like that in a really long time. I believe that is what I miss the most: Intimacy.

I have still been taking my Vitamins & Supplements. My skin, hair, & nails are reaping the benefits of that. I made it through my first week of no meat. My test is always the weekend. I went to Brunch Sunday with S. I opened up this container on the table & there it was...Bacon. I love Bacon more than Chicken...LOL. I closed it so fast. If I stared at it too long I would for sure pick some up.

I haven't worked out in a few days but I am going today. So, the girl I entertained briefly told me that I "Suck at Life"...LOL. I'm like, Ok, I deserve that I guess.

Girl: "So, I guess you didn't like me, huh?"

Me: "Yeah, you're nice. I just have a hard time with my follow through. I told you that, but you CAN call me." (In retrospect that does sound pretty shitty)

Girl: "Boooo...you suck at life."

Me: "Yeah, I guess I deserve that."

Girl: "Yeah, you do."

Me: "Ok, babe."

The End.

Now, a "normal" person would have apologized or tried to explain, or rather lie, & make up an excuse. Me I was content with adding another person to the "Resent Me" list. She will be ok. She's young. She shall move forward.

I do feel that sometimes I don't let people like me. It will just take someone very STRONG to claim me. Some one out there wont let me cower and run away. In the mean time I continue to sleep alone.

I'm going to Memphis next weekend. I am happy about that. I get to go home & lay in my Mother's lap. Yes, I still do that. It's just something about her love that makes me feel whole. Probably because it's the only case of unconditional love that I know. I always wonder could I love another person like that. That deep. That meaningful.

I am going to see J when I'm there. I have to satisfy my curiosity question. He thinks that he loves me. I think that there is no way that he could. We barely even talked to each other in High School. As a matter of fact I dated his Ace...lol. I also have to see my best friends baby. My Mother keeps her so I don't have to make an appointment for that.

Well, peeps, just wanted to update you on what Ive been busy doing. I will post a pic of my hair tonight. I feel so strong. I am a woman.

Last Night

Yesterday: I went shopping for some things from the Whole Foods Store & my neighborhood Publix. I pretty much have a green refrigerator now. Nothing but fresh fruits & vegetables & only Vegetarian Eggs & Soy milk. I am trying to limit my dairy. I also bought Veggie Burgers & Veggie Hot dogs. Ill let you know how those taste.

So far Ive noticed by eating as many of these foods, mostly raw except at dinner. I am alot more full & I have a lot more energy. I have healthy skin & nails as well. I haven't yawned once today. I also picked up some supplements. If I am going to go at living a vegetarian lifestyle I have to make sure that I get the nutrients that meat supplies. I got some Flax seed Meal, Vitamin C, Multivitamins, & I also take Vitamin D, & Vitamin E, & Acidophilus.

I work out 5 days a week for about an hour. It started at thirty minutes but I found that as soon as I changed my diet it was alot easier to keep going once I got started. I'm excited about the change. I am also in the process of setting up an appointment for Colon Hydrotherapy. Just to cleanse out the body. My diet is extremely high in fiber & I just want everything to be moving along smoothly.

I was reading my old journal yesterday night & I realized that I really miss V. I mean, I was so open with him. I had this playful spirit. It was fresh, young, & new everyday. He made me radiate. It was something about learning something new about him everyday that made life worth living. I was just getting out of that wretchid relationship with the Jamaican Boy. I was hurt or better yet wounded. I miss V. I wish I could just smell his neck sometimes. I get so nostalgic.

I talked to J yesterday. He pissed me off. That's hard. I just don't think he & I are compatible. He tells me I will learn to love him. I think not. Love is not something you learn to have for someone. It's either a possibility or its not. My astrologer told me that I live to be in love. Isn't that a bitch? She seems to think that my purpose on earth is to find someone, mate, & have hella kids. I'm like WOW. I do see myself as a nurturer though. Im devoid of expressing my own emotions but people always cry on my shoulder for some reason. It makes me feel extremely awkward. I live for love...that explains alot. I kind of fell off with the girl too. I cant remember to engage with her. I tend to live in my own world until my phone rings....so sad. She likes me.

I get sad sometimes. VERY sad. I would like someone on the other side of my bed with Roxy in the middle. I crave that so much because I miss it. Its one thing that cannot be forced though. You either have it or you don't in my book. I haven't met anyone that I couldn't stand to be without in a long time. Starting to feel like I never will.

I have to push on with the day of course & just keep cultivating myself & enlightening my body & soul. I have started within & maybe one day someone will see that light that shines so radiantly in me too.

Bye.

Gold & Chocolate...

What's up people? Well, I realized that my place of employment is against me taking personal time to write i my blog. I noticed that I no longer can get on blogspot. Bullshit! It keeps me sane sometimes.

I noticed that I have some new visitors. Welcome! I know its slow but I am perfecting my writing craft none the less. Big called me yesterday. I had a chick over that I was entertaining but you all should know that since I'm single I do what I want. AND besides...I had to hear what Big had to say about his no call no show the other night.

Big: "Before I get started let me start by saying I'm soo sorry." (Random story...sounds the same)

Love: "Well, Thanks for calling to apologize."

Big: "Are you mad?"

Love: "You cant be mad when you already expect the worse from people" "It's business as usual babe."

Maybe, I shouldn't be so nonchalant, but I cant help it. My vulnerability as always been an issue. I hung out with "HER" & it was cool. It's different for me when I hang around girls because I'm the guy in the situation. I'm not touchy feely & I generally do just want to talk.

I think that my libido is GONE. That's scary. I have absolutely no sexual wants right now. I guess that's good.

Well, I start my healthy lifestyle diet officially tomorrow. Going to my local Publix & Whole Foods. All fruits, all veggies. Everyday. Of course nuts & legumes are included. I worked out super hard today too. So, the Benedryl is setting in now.

Oh, yeah...Did I mention that I am going au natural soon. No more sew in for awhile. Gotta go. Thanks black girl for coming by. I read you everyday! :)

The B-Word

Man...Karma is a Biotch.

So this weekend people...I lost 1 person I consider a friend & about 5 associates that would go out of their way to say "hi" to me in a crowded bar. I cant help but be a tad disappointed at the way things turned out. Ive told the story about this so many times that I cant even say it anymore.

Lets just say that it involved a simple assault & lying ass bar owners. Ive just decided that there is nothing in the "streets" for me. I hate to just go jumping to "I'm not going out anymore" BUT its waaay too much shadiness happening in the streets of Nashville. I need to stay at home for awhile. Let me just say that.

I'm 25. I feel 25. I make 25 year old decisions. I have 25 year + friends. I have to act as such. It's expected.

Ive sort of took a personal hiatus from men. I just don't feel like it right now. There is no level of maturity. I think I have the right mind state but I just don't think these year 2008 men are ready for me. I don't even want to hear any back lash from any men about this either In my opinion it would be a bunch of open ended shit talk anyway.

I'm going to be dealing with my dual side on that note. I'm Bi. Not sure how many of you readers know that, but I am. So, no men for the time being. Lets hop to the other side for a second.

So, Kase & I started our little challenge yesterday. I worked out for the first time in ages. I started sloooooow. I worked out for 30 min yesterday night. It felt good. It put me to SLEEP. I have been having some insomnia problems. Mainly, caused by my brain moving at rapid paces when my eyes are closed. Its hard for me to just settle sometimes.

Time on my hands. A lot of time on my hands.

Just wanted to update a little. I'm going to get back to work. I also have to be at #2 today. I do want to say that I am alive more than ever. I am more alert & I am taking peoples commitments to me very seriously. I'm just not dealing with CRAP! Not from men & not from women in my life either.

I am loyal & honest. I expect the same.

Im Cool

I have finally got a little settled to where it feels like home. I miss it being like that. I had my boy Rafi come by & put a little extra security in for me. Not that I didn't feel safe but anyone will tell you I'm overly protective because I live alone. The thing is that I am surrounded in this neighborhood by people who will come in one second if I need them. I love being around familiarity.

Work has been less pressing every since I started going to bed early. I kid you not people, I can hardly stay up until 12. I'm usually nodding by eleven o'clock. I started a new book. Inspired by my Kase of course. I havent had time to research books so I kind of stole hers. It is a four part book series by the author Stephenie Meyer. Right now its seeming pretty interesting.

I plan to set my house up according to my Feng Shui. A lot of things were seemingly out of order in my life. Now that I have moved I have set some of my negative Chi free. Don't get me wrong though, I left my other home in peace. I love K to death. I'm sure she knows that but in order for me to grow I have to have a certain amount of space. You know that saying about Goldfish: If you keep them in a small tank they will forever remain small. You give them a bigger tank; ie more room to grow and they get bigger. I am like that. I have more room to breathe. I will miss talking to K late at night or while we are pretty lushed up...haha

My balcony people is one to envy. Everyone knows I love my outside space. I cant live without it. Roxy is adjusting well. She seems to know that it's our stuff. She's just not quite sure where we are. So, I also lucked up on a free Internet connection...haha. We will see how long that lasts but for right now I don't have to enlist the services of Comcast & that always makes me happy. I bought more movies & I'm working to getting my fridge back on solo status. You already know I have my liquor game up. Thanks to Bong, Jen-Bunni, & Phil I have a very industrial size of one of my favorite vodkas. The "Paul Bunyan" bottle as my boy O calls it.

Big called me. I fell back in but not whole hearted. I miss him sometimes but it's always bittersweet. I have a few little tenderoni's on that side of town. It felt weird the other day though. My boy Adam was in town & he asked me to come into town. I didn't go. Making that drive is just not enticing. This is also why I had more money to spend in Publix when I lived in B-wood. I never went into town. I had a private bar that was members only in my own house...lol

I will be making another pilgrimage to Memphis at the beginning of August. I am actually going to plan for it as well. I will be taking a Friday & Monday off. I am also planning a trip to ATL the week after the Memphis trip & doing the same thing. I have some people who I need to go venture to see. That will be the wrap up of this so-called summer. Where have the days gone?

Cache has also given me a little more free time. I work 14 hour days sometimes people. Forreal. Now, I just get to go & spend a little time in the place that feels so right to me...Home.

Love you guys. Just had to update because I cant get to the phone as often as I would like to. Miss you Mia & Gise. We are all going to have to get together. Just the three of us like old times. Gise, still plan that cruise & let me know ASAP so I can start tucking away & popcorn pimping...haha

Peace.

Everyone knows I love my Alice/Leisha. Picture isnt related to a damn thing...haha (Gise)

So glad that yesterday is over. Man, it was one of the longest days of my life. I went to B23 that Wednesday. Went to meet my little youngin. He's so nice. I don't need to corrupt another person. Ive already done that once. So, I'm trying to keep it on top. Just surface. Not leading into anything, but he's fun to hang out with because his mind is just not as evolved as the other losers.

No concept of game. At least not one I cant sift through...lol

So, Thursday I bought a first class ticket to Hangover-ville. I did not sign up for that one. Ate lunch & watched it disappear within 30 minutes. Pretty much wasted some money.

I am off this weekend. I'm supposed to hang out tonight for a bit with O with a promise not to get over the legal limit. We seem to have a clear issue lately that when I drink I fall asleep. Like saying something & then turning back around and I'm sleep. This onset is usually caused by me being a lush too. No making a fool of yourself this time Michelle. Hahaha.

I was going to talk about some recent names that people have named their kids, BUT due to that being a super sensitive topic, and I don't feel like watching my back in the streets of Nashville, I'm going to leave that alone & just pray that those kids don't end up in public school system. Where you can be sure your teacher doesn't have time to learn it because she has to keep asking Aaliyah & Trina to stop talking...so it will be slaughtered on a daily.

Poor Kid(s).

This morning I woke up fresh. Rox started that stuff at about 4. She was promptly escorted to her bed on the floor. I'm a light sleeper so a tosser is a no no. She was walking under the covers, sitting on me, grooming herself...I'm like "Out". She jumps on the floor like she wanted to kick my ass. I don't care though. Last two hours are vital....to me. Work was pretty simple today. I'm most effective when Ive had at least 6 hours.

It's Friday already. I move next Saturday. It's approaching so fast. I will miss my Kimora. I guess I am going to go home and semi clean before O comes over. I'm moving is my excuse...haha, have a drink, and try not to fall asleep before he gets there.

Later.

Karmic Retribution

I do believe what goes around comes back around. Here lately I noticed that.



My crappy neighbors who stole my chairs. Well the same hill I rode down & saw them is the same hill I rolled down and noticed all their shit in their front yard. Yep! That's right. Let's spell it out...E-V-I-C-T-E-D. Have fun sitting in my chairs OUTSIDE your former crib on the hottest day in Tennessee yet. How sweet Karma is.



When is my Karma coming? Ive been pretty good.



Big told me that he couldnt make it to my party. I thought he told me he had to work. Actually, no. It turned into some sort of Frat picnic. Am I the only person that thinks grown men's love for frat "activities" should die after about 25. Unless its a job or something...stay your old ass out of the picnic. He had to drive to that, so he couldnt come to my party the night before.



Needless to say...I was pissed. My words: "I dont think I like who you are." "I just dont think I like you."



I gotta protect my heart. I told him I was going to finish reading my book. "You want to talk later." Me: "No." Im not in the mood for that.



Big's Food Chain:

1. Work

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Fraternity

5. Breakfast

6.Lunch

7.Dinner

8.Sleep

9. Anything other than me

10. Me (maybe)



My party was so much fun. I had a really good time. It was such an electic bunch of people there. I wish some of my family could have been here.

Dont much feel like elaborating on that. I might post some pictures.

Side note: Saw Big out at a party. The same Big who is always tired from work or some whop de woo.

I was more than pissed. Im still kind of pissed. Im going for coffee, cigarettes & a break

Yes! I did hit the tobacco again. My turmoils in life are best blown out with the smoke I exhale.

My Birthday/ Major OCD

Today is the day I was born BUT not actually. Mum says I was about 15 min away from not being born on the 2oth & came about 10 days early. I was in a hurry up & wait type of mood that day.

So Ive probably mentioned that I got to see Emily King live at Lovenoise (shout out to Chip & LaSalle for keeping me on the list) Besides her being my bi-sexual love crush she is actually very talented. She's only 22 & she's definitely so New York to me. Writing skills are sick & the voice is just so damn soulful. Did I mention that beautiful guitar in the back is played by those lovely hands of hers too? Yeah, pretty mesmerizing in person as well. I request that everyone go & get her first CD. Emily King "East Side Story". It's absolutely divine. I love "Hold Me". I wish I felt like that about someone. Totally is my wedding song IF I ever get there. I also love "You Can Get By". Mainly, because Ive been through the same thing & when you realize that you can rely on yourself to fly...your eyes open up to a new world.

Also musically...I heard a song on Lil Wayne's album "Comfortable". Kanye sampled some strings in the very back. They are unchanged & original form. Where in the hell are they from music heads? I cant remember if it was from a movie or another song of his own. Either way it's making me realize I have a serious knowledge OCD. I have to find out the answer to questions. I don't like to not know. Happened to me awhile ago. I had to figure out the catcher's name that used to play for the Braves when the won the world series in like 97. I googled on a date. Prob a major turn-off if he wasn't into ALL sports. I like him for that. He wanted to know too :)

Someone tell me where those damn strings are from? I wish I just had Ye's number to call myself. It would be a lot quicker than relying on my friends who don't hear the alien sounds I hear or pick out stuff in the background of pictures or movies. I guess I'm not really looking at the same things people are. I cant tell you a damn word Lil Wayne said in the whole song because all I can hear is the strings. Real meaning of seeing sounds.

I cried today. I needed to. Just briefly. just enough to relieve the tension in my shoulders & realize I'm wayyy to blessed to stress. I have the BEST family, the BEST girls, the BEST opportunities, the BEST guys, a beautiful mind & a kind heart. Why do I ever worry?

I just work too much. Remind me to never work 12 hour days four days in a row. It manifests in my face. I will be wearing my Bare Essentials tonight. Well, that's all for now. Let me post a pic of my boo...haha.

Ill post pandemonium pics from my minstrel show house party. I'm making punch & everyone knows how I make liquor creep up on that ass. See you later.

Ms. Love

Michelle's Big 25!

Even though I have had a lot going on lately, I still want to celebrate my life. Mainly, because Im grateful to still be here.

I'm halfway there...literally. To whatever the new 20 is. Come bring it in with me SHOT for SHOT!

When: Friday June 20, 2008

Where: Syleena's Crib (Antioch) - I will text directions to peeps whose number I have.
Others interested in attending drop me a message along with your number & I'll text directions.

NO OFFENSE BUT THERE WILL BE DISCRETION EXERCISED (LOL) Sorry.

Why Come: Because I fucking said so.

Liquor & beer will be provided BUT bring ya girl girl a bottle of something. At least to keep the party going. I might not let you in if you come empty handed. Im just saying.

Those invited can only bring a +1 or +2. Please run it by me first for creeping purposes...haha.

Love ya bitches!
-Ms. Love

I am exhausted. There is no other way to put it. I have been going through alot in my life. Most of which I wont focus on for fear that I am not fully over it altogether. Things have been crazy.

Im having a hard time keeping my eyes open today because I didnt sleep until 3:30 am. Mind you, I have to wake up at 6 am. That's my own fault but I just havent much felt like sleeping. I cant sleep when my mind wont.

I bumped into BIG. He's still the same. Conservative. Im still the same. Way beyond liberal. I dont even have the time to care about that right now. He "says" he misses me though. We've already had a blow-out. Im spoiled & I dont care.

This apartment thing is driving me up the wall. Expense wise. OMG! No 24/25 (in 3 days) should ever have to work as hard as I have been working. My eyes are starting to look dead. All life gone. Smiling has become just only when necessary. I will be so glad when it is all over.

No more talking to NES, no more credit running, no more bullshit. I just want to snap and be alseep in my bed in my new place. I did start packing yesterday. It didnt take long to rangle all my stuff from the upstairs bedroom together. I never unpacked it thank God.

Anyway. This was just a check in. I have some pretty complex things on my mind. Im not spell checking...so sorry. Bear with me. Right now. Im under a funky haze. Just waiting on God to put me through all the stuff I can bear.

It sure feels like Im being tested everyday. Here's to being 25. A 20 year old said to me yesterday that when he's 25 he's going to have all stuff together.

My reply: Good luck.

Less Shitty

I'm feeling a lot less blah. I think when I'm tired I get irritable & quite shitty. Depression is also a part of that. I just decided to suck it up. I always think to my spoiled self..."oh like your life is so hard." My life is like peaches & ice cream. What do I complain about? I have all the basics needed to survive.

I found a website about creating personal Zen. I needed to revert to self & do a few woo-sahh's & keep it moving. I put some pictures up in my cubicle of all of my family & friends. Some of the pictures make me laugh & most of them positively just make me smile or dead homesick. It definitely made me feel better none the less. I think I'm gonna buy some bamboo too. Just to have something alive in my presence.

I know some people probably think I am so two-sided & from one extreme to the next. My mom used to always tell me when I was a little girl..."Michelle, you always go from one extreme to the next". She would have this look of confusion on her face of how my mind could just ever flit on forever. I'm a dreamer, a tad bit irrational, & I act on sheer impulses sometimes. Lately, though, I have been trying to think things a bit further now. The long haul.

Website: http://www.zenhabits.net/ It's absolutely amazing. I found it while looking for some other stuff. Check it out if you have time. I'll make sure to add it to my list of sites located on the sidebar.

Tonight, Dental School & I (the only guy I can hang out with & talk about any & everything & doesn't try me) are supposed to get stuff to make Margaritas. We always plan these sessions & we get together & trip out & chain smoke. I have to find something to do in the place of smoking my cloves. (I quit or at least I'm trying to) I wish he smoked Newports or something but NOPE he smoke cloves. My brand too. I have to work at my other job tonight too sooo Ill be ready for that by 9. It should be fun. He's finished with exams & Ive made it through another work week unscathed. I need to text him my list of stuff to show up with. I love him sometimes. He's a yes man.

I still have to wake up before decent hours to go view that darn apartment. I tell you. It has been a mess but it is coming together. By mid-July. I will officially be off major doubles at work & I should be able to give the three job thing a rest for a minute. Work with me people.

What's up with dudes seeing you at a table with all of your friends (male & female) & being afraid to come over & speak? Will straight up let you leave the restaurant, then text you. I'm so tired of calling dudes : useless, lame, losers, busters, jerks & suckers. Thing is, they laugh. Must know it's true.

I hate texting. Don't text me unless it is something urgent, you cant talk on the phone, or it's too loud in the background. Those are my only exceptions.

I'm pretty virgin-ous these days. It's cool though. Ive learned to roll with the punches until something good comes by way. I might need to hit up Hustler pretty soon though. It's looking like it's going to be a summer drought...lol

Well, it's time for me to eat some lunch. Ill post sometime this weekend. I'm staying in. I made no plans & I have no obligations, birthday's, bbq's, etc. Thank GOD!

Peace.

Limbo...

I'm starting to think that I'm a bit nutty. One minute: I'm like forget being complacent. The second minute: I'm like, well, I need to wait it out. Do I need to just grow the hell up & stop complaining about stuff? I am one of those people who tends to over think stuff sometimes. I always wonder that if some of my external factors change that I will be ok.

Mainly: I need money. My friend Mia always has this thought that I cant help but sometimes agree with. Getting a big house on a piece of land and growing your own food & just chilling back & living. I wouldn't mind escaping the city for those kind of dreams. The city is taking all my money & making me create new ways to enslave myself.

1. I need to gas to get to my job every week. (I am employed by three companies.)

2. The government says I need a new T.V. (which is making me question whether I even think having one is relevant)

3. Add all of the other stuff that rapes my pockets.

Then you have my so-called life.

My girl asked me about my birthday plans. Yesterday I had some. Today I'm like screw it.

Teavana called me for an interview. I'm gonna go. They're going to hire me. I already know it. I'm going to have to see what exactly it is that they are looking for. I would love to work there. It just might not be practical since I am trying to move. Once again for monetary reasons.

I almost see why some of my friends still stay at home. I wish I could do that. I could but my parents are a tad bit pushy. They are basically on the verge of retirement & they are not trying to have any birds coming back to the nest. Besides, I'm not even cut out for it. I need space. I need space. I need space.

Yesterday was like the never-ending shit story. It just wouldn't stop. I don't even want to talk about what happened to me yesterday on my way to work. Let's just say that I didn't make it there.

I obviously need to free up my chi. It has to be blocked. I am making it my business to find the root of the problem. Maybe I need to try yoga or something. I need a focus. Something to do once I leave 8-5.

Ill be back. I feel as if I'm rambling. Im starting to get scared. I need some anxiety medicine forreal. I feel an attack coming on.

Yayyy, Food Poisoning!

So, sorry I haven't posted. I have had the lovely experience of food poisoning. Yahh! I don't even want to get into the specifics of that. Oh boy.

I did have a pretty interesting weekend. Nothing worth recapping. Mohawk invited me out yesterday. I asked was he going to treat. He hit me with the I don't get paid until the weekend. I hit him with the "I don't think this is going to work out." Maybe next lifetime. I felt shitty BUT there are things that I'm looking for in someone I date.

I have dated the music hustler. His phone is off right now. That shit just isn't sexy to me. There is nothing cute about being broke. Not even on my end. When I am, I definitely don't invite guys out to bars. I stay my cute ass in the house until I get my priorities together. Is it still cool for a 28 year old to be broke in 2008? I think he lives with his Mom too. This is just speculation though.

I met another guy. He's 38. He seems pretty cool for now. We will leave it at that.

I am thinking about working at Teavana. It's still in beginning stages. Gise should let me run her tea store in FL. I need a getaway.

I am still checking out apartments. I have to go look at the one that's opening up on Saturday & see if I'm feeling a vibe when I'm in it. I know it's weird but for me everything has to feel perfect before I enter a dwelling. I have to like the way the light comes in, the air circulation, the floor plan, the balcony. Everything. I have to feel 100 percent safe. After that, if I like it's location they can proceed with my application process.

I'm supposed to do something for my birthday. I'm thinking I might just be moving sooner than July. I might be moving on my birthday. If I do decide to move that Friday of my birthday maybe we can still do The Taste of Nashville that Saturday, dinner & drinks. I'm thinking Flemings or Ruth's or maybe not so expensive. I don't want to break anyone. I'm seriously just not in the mood for big blow-outs. If I liked the apartment they would only be able to hold if for me up until that weekend of my birthday. Sooo more to ponder.

I have to work at Cache later. Sunday I got to see Emily King & Anthony David at Lovenoise for free-ski! Thanks Chipper. It was really nice. Lovenoise is moving right along in progression. So happy for them.

I see I have some frequent visitors & still no comments. :( Oh well, I am back at the workhouse still feeling a bit queasy. I'm drinking my tea and trying to stay hydrated. I have to get back to work though. More later.

Delirium

Sorry about the posts from last night. I was straight riding on air. Those videos did keep me thoroughly entertained for hours though. I used to die laughing at those on the phone with my homeboy. We couldn't wait until BET turned into buffoonary at night.

Last night I warmed some chicken broth, cut up some mushrooms, & spinach. I warmed them together and man I had some good soup. Really filling too. That put me in a zone.

I bought some loose tea last night. I was in Teavana last night (supposed to be at work) & stopped to taste the tea. OMG it was soo banging. So, I bought some. It totally has me hooked now. I love tea & I have been trying to substitute it for my alcohol intake. It has been working. Also, the great flavor is taking away my nicotine taste buds. I am trying to dull those out for sure. Cold-Fucking-Turkey!

Today on my lunch break I am going to buy a teapot with a steeper. I want a little cute set. I like the cast iron ones. They are wayy too much in the store so I am going to hit up Target & some of my low price super stores for a good deal. If I don't see any...Target.com it is. I am making this my housewarming gift to myself. Hell, I bought enough of that tea to at least last me for six months. My sister told me she has over 10lbs of tea from Teavana & I can have it if I want. I love my family. They will give you the shoes off their feet if they miss you. I'm gone for so long that whenever I come back I have free reign.

I have gotten...jewelry, clothes, tickets to shows, moo-la, & now we can add at least $200.00 worth of tea from Teavana. Yah me!

I am still doing pretty good with my cleansing. I don't know what it is about this time, but it's just different. I talked to Gise for a min via text yesterday. She asked me new ways to tell people to fuck off other than the proverbial "Kill Yo'self"...

My reply: "Drink Bleach" -Panky-

Means the same damn thing but it's a little more personal. Let me tell you what to drink to die. I dont want to leave you to your own devices of suicide. You might live. Instead just drink some bleach and watch a little tv.

Hmm, what else? I'm thinking of making some Hot & Spicy soup Sunday to snack on for the week. I do have to work this weekend but I'm telling you...that account. It's looking damn good. Damn, damn, good. Being in my new apartment is too. So, I have hella motivation.

Who remembers the hamburger joint in Memphis called "Central Park". They had some good ass burgers & fries. I have yet to taste any like that one. I miss my greasy ass "Dixie Queen" too.

Ill type more later. I'm gonna venture out. Work is starting to feel monotonous. Time for a breezy.

Bye.

2001 Fuckery. UNCUT Style.

Why was I up watching UNCUT? I'm looking for this other one.

Lil M & Slim Thug

This just looks cool & that one of my best girlfriends. Smartest girl I know. Sometimes. :) We are in Seattle.

Body Mod...

My latest "my mom is going to kill me" body mod.

Because sometimes "I just want to get drunk & act skanky". -Desiree-

My Boo Bear

This shit makes me laugh. This is Rox.

Nourishment

I swear. I was feeding my body non sense for awhile now. Good old fashioned trash. It's only been a few days but I'm telling you I am energy restored. I made a stir fry yesterday that was to die for. Who knew veggies could have so much flavor? Well, it had squash, green beans, broccoli, & shrimp. I added fresh garlic which just totally took over the flavor department. I added about a pinch of salt & pepper. I had steamed white rice. About a cup. Which, I am eating the rest of today for lunch.

I haven't smoked since Sunday. I have had no cravings. All these things started to clear up. That raggedy cough I had, my throat is no longer endlessly dry, nor are my lips. My skin looks better. It's not the best but it is better. When I was 21, I had smooth as ass skin. My body is just not dry since I stopped smoking. I wanted to so bad yesterday. K was smoking & I could smell the nicotine. I didn't...partly because I didn't want a Marlboro. I don't have any Djarum.

So, I went & picked up my apartment application yesterday. I filled it out. It felt so good to have it done. Ive been doubling so much at work that I made my lil stanky-fied application fee times 4. So, Saturday I'm going to view the places & drop off the apps & pick my spot. I'm sooo excited. It's always good to make that first step. I am going to miss K, but I still miss my solitude. I'm so Gemini. I'm like a Sociable Loner if that makes any sense to people. Those balconies at that apartment were my selling point. So big. I could sit out all day. Not to mention how long booze lasts when you live alone...haha. Just Rox & I.

I also checked my Facebook. All I have to say is: MICHAEL RAYBORN!! OMG! I missed him so much. He's on my list for searching that I never got around to. He was sooo funny in High School. Pretty sure he liked me, but I ignored it. I liked guys just to be my boys. Not to mention I was ravaging a 16 year old Freshman (he got held back by parents) named KG. Who also found me on Facebook. Am I cool or something? People will never forget me. I make/made sure of that. Myspace is still more my speed. It's a lot of weird creeps but I would be lost on Facebook for hours. It has chat too. HELLL NOOO! I do not need to be chat stalked while I'm ignoring my messages & comments. Thanks. I'm really just a checker. Check it & go have a life.

I look forward to talking to Mike though. He used to always tell me "Keep you cock-beaters off me" LOL...I thought that was the funniest thing ever in High School. I was always hugging, laying, or kissing someone on the jaw. Type of shit that starts rumors about me now.

1. I'm refreshed
2. I have to double today
3. Club soda's at K's Grad party (Designated driver/Cleansing)
4. Staying Green
5. Staying out of the streets
6. Happy I'm moving
7. Taking two more trips before Summers end. (Which officially starts on my B-day June20)
8. I love me!
9. Miss my friends & family in Memphis everyday
10. I'm fucking alive mannnnnn!

Really alive.

The Red Balloon

This morning. I turned the radio off in the car -Moment of clarity- Seriously. It opened up some stuff for me. Here lately I haven't even been keeping up with the ghost of pretending to like someone when I don't. Which leaves me with zero people to keep up with & even more time to ponder.

The moment the radio went off. I started thinking about one guy. One I never even ever really gave a proper shot to. I started thinking about the night that we were together (not like that...get your minds out of the gutter) & how much fun I had. I had a good time. I felt even better when I noticed how sexy he was. This guy is an amazing catch. He has a "career", he's focused, doesn't drink near as much as me, like to have fun, likes that I "like to have fun", doesn't think I'm crazy, thinks I'm sexy, & mainly he's stable. He just bought a house, he has all his teeth & doesn't have any kids. Why would I let someone else have a go at him? So, I started it. I started to think how I used to chase nothing ass people & how fun it would be to actually chase (or not have to chase because he likes me too) someone who is about something. I sent out a nibbler & I got a surprising question back.

Would I be willing to move?

Now everyone should know by now that moving is in my blood line. I have absolutely no issue with relocating for the right person. None at all. I actually agree with it totally. I would be willing to move for the right person. To his state? Not my first choice, but I could live there.

Did I mention this guy is a friend's brother? Yeah, he is. BUT me & his sis are super tight. I think if all came down to it, as flighty as I seem, I would never hurt him. Also, I'm down for the one day at a time.

Ive kind of let Mohawk go. It's not his fault. It's my own. I blame me. I blame the lame in me for wanting someone who is established. I'm not, so I need someone who can lead me & keep me on track. Opposites attract & maybe he and I cant live in the sky together in my world. I need someone to hold my string and pull me back down when Ive been up there too long.

Work has been a lot easier. I have been resting & doing the things I should be doing. I started meditating. It's hard to push the outside noise out sometimes. I find it a lot easier to do when I'm home alone. (cant wait to move reference) K has been gone a lot lately. She's about to Grad. So, there will be pandemonium this weekend. Not too much for me though. I am still cleansing. I am doing well with that too.

Ive been controlling the things that I put in my body. Mindful of what may come out...lol I have tonight off from my other job. I cannot wait. I have to go pick some things up after work but I am going to definitely do my to do list tonight. I have to. I might have more later. I'm not sure. Nothing interesting is going on my way. Got more work on the desk though. I must tend to it.

Peace. Someone should leave comments. I would like to blabber back & forth. If I visit your blog Ill do the same.

Mia write more blogs, whore!

Also, buy your kids "The Red Balloon". It is a classic.

SUPER rested...

Well, I had a good holiday weekend. As promised it was a lot of crazy stuff happening. I opted to hang with Med-School for most of it. He's super low-key. Doesn't cause me a lot of fuss & drinks like a fish.

Friday: Left work. Went home. Took a nap. Met Med-School & his buddies at a local watering hole. Asked some random guy if he was on drugs. He said no. I said well, you look like it so you probably should go home. He agreed and left. Went to Med-School's friends house. Drank more & decided to call it a night.

Saturday: I was supposed to go apartment hunting. Med-School & I rode around. I went to get a burger & he was supposed to be ready when I returned. Of course he was sleep. Made him wake up & we went to get things to bbq. Went to his friends house & I got Rox and we chilled outside & bbq'd. Stayed there longer than intended waiting for my grilled Salmon. Went home, got ready to go to Layla. Should have stayed with first mind and passed out. Absolute fuckery. Got stalked by a girl who insists I never speak to her. Realized that she has to be on heavy drugs because we have the same conversation every time I see her. Left Layla before it was over, went home, smoked a clove & finished watching 'Lord of the Flies'.

Sunday: Slept til about noon. Man, I needed that. Got my stuff ready & went to Syleena's. Invited Rafi. We all chilled & drank. Ate lots & lots of food. I'm not exaggerating. Took a nap. Woke up. Ate again. Had Med-School & his boy over for a bit. They cleaned up for us & I told them I might go out with them later. Talked to S a little longer then I dipped. We did good for first time grillers. Note to self: Buy electric grill. Went home, texted a few people, and took a shower. I decided to just take some Benedryl & call it a night. I wanted to enjoy my last day of undisturbed sleep.

Monday: Woke up on a cleaning spree. Cleaned the kitchen and living area. Cleaned my room as well. Seasoned some chicken breasts to eat this week. Watched the Cosby show and decided I cant even watch that shit anymore. Decided to nap before work. Couldn't sleep. Woke up & got ready for work. Went to Luxe & pretty much read a whole book. Talked with my boss for awhile. Picked up another day at work. Doubling everyday except Wednesday this week. Figures this will keep my mind off not getting laid. Went home. Made some baked chicken with spinach. Read up as much as I could on cleansing. I previously bought a cleanser kit from my local Whole Foods market. Decided to take the pills and just do it. Went to sleep.

That leaves me right at this very moment. Let me say cleansing is very interesting. Must be careful what you eat. It returns. That's enough detail. I'm gonna make some broth soups tonight with a few veggies in them. It's important to stay organic by the way. I guess I'll be back later. Got a stack on my desk I need to handle.

I thought it was Saturday...

It's not. It's cool though.

I saw Freckles yesterday. Oh my God. I longed to smell his sweet neck. I got pretty close but you know me. Super nonchalant. I hit him with the "I thought about you the other day." Translation: I just wrote a blog about lusting after you. I miss him. He looked good. Wonder what he thought about me? (sigh) He got booted from the Sim card too...long ago...

Some things are pretty painful for me today. Ive been reading a lot of interesting blogs. I click and click away until I land on something sweet. A lot of people have been having these awakenings to life. It's nice to see people living their dreams.

Ive been trying to give this guy a chance. I do try. I hate to be shitty but I dated the "artist" before. Cant say that I wasn't intrigued. I believe in living your dreams, but the struggling artist thing is kind of played to me. Ive done it before. Maybe I am shitty, a tab bit dreamy, materialistic, chauvinistic (if possible), believe in traditional roles between men & women. Am I so bad for that?

I cant get into it too deep. I don't want to hurt the innocent. For the record: I am still trying. Even though, I do believe that there should not be trying in courting. Kind of what happened to Big. We were trying. There was obviously just intense attraction in the pheromones we were giving off to each other.

This is a holiday weekend. I don't have any exciting thing to do. Which pretty much sucks. I did get invited by Mohawk to a surprise party. I'm not sure If I want to go though. I usually go to those parties & it's just odd for me. I guess I enjoy the alcohol more than the people. That doesn't usually go over too well. They wanna chat about what I do for a living and I'm trying to find the limes or see if I bought my flask to fill up because I am about to exit stage left...haha. So sad BUT true.

I miss my friends in Memphis. Usually I would jump on the road but the gas would eat up my drinking money. Layla is closing this weekend. My fav babe Jen Bunni has a table. I told her I would slide through on account of her because really I was done with Layla's fuckery.

I can add another person to the bite the dust list of friends. That makes two people that were once relevant that hate me now. I didn't do anything though. I didn't pick a side or anything. Pretty much dislike by association I guess. I mean it's my roomie. I don't have to pick her side. I live in her side. Oh well. Another one bites the dust. I did get two wonderful friends out of the deal though. Wouldn't trade either of them for the world. Love you T & K.

So, my boss comes up to me today and goes..."You were dreading coming in today, huh?" (Laughing) (She's hella cool) Can everyone tell that I thought it was Saturday? It's a total buzzkill when you realize it's not. I told her, "Man, I thought today was Saturday." She basically told me I looked like I was kicking rocks on the way in...LOL. I was. Invisible ones.

I have to go apartment hunting tomorrow which is going to suck something awful. It's a must though. I'm shooting for July & will probably have to get rid of more stuff again to make room for the new. My Mommy is giving me some funds to secure everything I need. I love her. She's so self-less. I always wonder, will I ever love another human being more than me? That's so bad. ( 2 Hail Mary's for that one) I do though. That real, real unconditional? I wonder.

I once told someone the only reason I would want to have kids is for vanity reasons (which is a sin) Just to see what they would look like. I would imagine it would be a spawn. My family has super genes. I want to have a Leo baby. I hope I don't create a Gemini one. So sad. I don't plan on spanking my kids. (I know black people. Sue me.) I just don't have the energy for that. Enough on that. That wont be happening for awhile.

I talked to Yo yesterday. That was like my first skating rink love. I was trying to figure out who he was in my phone. Sometimes when I drink...people's numbers that I delete wind up back in my phone. Damn Sim Card & touch screen phone! We talked about old times. (seems to be the way people would rather remember me...lol) (I was nice & a lot more open) He has a baby. As do all my old guy friends. We said we'd keep in touch. I let him know I'm not even trying to side step his girlfriend & that I just like to make sure my peeps are still alive. He probably thinks I'm crazy...

Well, hopefully I don't get too crazy tonight.

Alone.

Wondering to myself why everyone that used to know me wonders why I'm not married right now.

Then I start to wonder & I realize that I'm a crazy, "likes to have too much fun", cant tell you where she'll be living in a year, stays moving, talks about going to space, smokes too many cloves, thinks Roxy was a rocket-scientist in her former life, loves kids but doesn't really want one, wants a vodka fountain at her wedding, hates R&B, is going to vote for Obama just because he's black, drinks coffee just because of the side effects, hangs out in Whole Foods trying samples all day, loves writing poetry that would make Giovanni cry from disgust, wants to write but doesn't make time, studies one thing & then goes to another, loves Benedryl with my wine, fucked up Space Cadet.

Now, if that's your idea of fun. Holla at cha girl girl.

That's me.