The B-Word

Man...Karma is a Biotch.

So this weekend people...I lost 1 person I consider a friend & about 5 associates that would go out of their way to say "hi" to me in a crowded bar. I cant help but be a tad disappointed at the way things turned out. Ive told the story about this so many times that I cant even say it anymore.

Lets just say that it involved a simple assault & lying ass bar owners. Ive just decided that there is nothing in the "streets" for me. I hate to just go jumping to "I'm not going out anymore" BUT its waaay too much shadiness happening in the streets of Nashville. I need to stay at home for awhile. Let me just say that.

I'm 25. I feel 25. I make 25 year old decisions. I have 25 year + friends. I have to act as such. It's expected.

Ive sort of took a personal hiatus from men. I just don't feel like it right now. There is no level of maturity. I think I have the right mind state but I just don't think these year 2008 men are ready for me. I don't even want to hear any back lash from any men about this either In my opinion it would be a bunch of open ended shit talk anyway.

I'm going to be dealing with my dual side on that note. I'm Bi. Not sure how many of you readers know that, but I am. So, no men for the time being. Lets hop to the other side for a second.

So, Kase & I started our little challenge yesterday. I worked out for the first time in ages. I started sloooooow. I worked out for 30 min yesterday night. It felt good. It put me to SLEEP. I have been having some insomnia problems. Mainly, caused by my brain moving at rapid paces when my eyes are closed. Its hard for me to just settle sometimes.

Time on my hands. A lot of time on my hands.

Just wanted to update a little. I'm going to get back to work. I also have to be at #2 today. I do want to say that I am alive more than ever. I am more alert & I am taking peoples commitments to me very seriously. I'm just not dealing with CRAP! Not from men & not from women in my life either.

I am loyal & honest. I expect the same.

Im Cool

I have finally got a little settled to where it feels like home. I miss it being like that. I had my boy Rafi come by & put a little extra security in for me. Not that I didn't feel safe but anyone will tell you I'm overly protective because I live alone. The thing is that I am surrounded in this neighborhood by people who will come in one second if I need them. I love being around familiarity.

Work has been less pressing every since I started going to bed early. I kid you not people, I can hardly stay up until 12. I'm usually nodding by eleven o'clock. I started a new book. Inspired by my Kase of course. I havent had time to research books so I kind of stole hers. It is a four part book series by the author Stephenie Meyer. Right now its seeming pretty interesting.

I plan to set my house up according to my Feng Shui. A lot of things were seemingly out of order in my life. Now that I have moved I have set some of my negative Chi free. Don't get me wrong though, I left my other home in peace. I love K to death. I'm sure she knows that but in order for me to grow I have to have a certain amount of space. You know that saying about Goldfish: If you keep them in a small tank they will forever remain small. You give them a bigger tank; ie more room to grow and they get bigger. I am like that. I have more room to breathe. I will miss talking to K late at night or while we are pretty lushed up...haha

My balcony people is one to envy. Everyone knows I love my outside space. I cant live without it. Roxy is adjusting well. She seems to know that it's our stuff. She's just not quite sure where we are. So, I also lucked up on a free Internet connection...haha. We will see how long that lasts but for right now I don't have to enlist the services of Comcast & that always makes me happy. I bought more movies & I'm working to getting my fridge back on solo status. You already know I have my liquor game up. Thanks to Bong, Jen-Bunni, & Phil I have a very industrial size of one of my favorite vodkas. The "Paul Bunyan" bottle as my boy O calls it.

Big called me. I fell back in but not whole hearted. I miss him sometimes but it's always bittersweet. I have a few little tenderoni's on that side of town. It felt weird the other day though. My boy Adam was in town & he asked me to come into town. I didn't go. Making that drive is just not enticing. This is also why I had more money to spend in Publix when I lived in B-wood. I never went into town. I had a private bar that was members only in my own house...lol

I will be making another pilgrimage to Memphis at the beginning of August. I am actually going to plan for it as well. I will be taking a Friday & Monday off. I am also planning a trip to ATL the week after the Memphis trip & doing the same thing. I have some people who I need to go venture to see. That will be the wrap up of this so-called summer. Where have the days gone?

Cache has also given me a little more free time. I work 14 hour days sometimes people. Forreal. Now, I just get to go & spend a little time in the place that feels so right to me...Home.

Love you guys. Just had to update because I cant get to the phone as often as I would like to. Miss you Mia & Gise. We are all going to have to get together. Just the three of us like old times. Gise, still plan that cruise & let me know ASAP so I can start tucking away & popcorn pimping...haha

Peace.

Everyone knows I love my Alice/Leisha. Picture isnt related to a damn thing...haha (Gise)

So glad that yesterday is over. Man, it was one of the longest days of my life. I went to B23 that Wednesday. Went to meet my little youngin. He's so nice. I don't need to corrupt another person. Ive already done that once. So, I'm trying to keep it on top. Just surface. Not leading into anything, but he's fun to hang out with because his mind is just not as evolved as the other losers.

No concept of game. At least not one I cant sift through...lol

So, Thursday I bought a first class ticket to Hangover-ville. I did not sign up for that one. Ate lunch & watched it disappear within 30 minutes. Pretty much wasted some money.

I am off this weekend. I'm supposed to hang out tonight for a bit with O with a promise not to get over the legal limit. We seem to have a clear issue lately that when I drink I fall asleep. Like saying something & then turning back around and I'm sleep. This onset is usually caused by me being a lush too. No making a fool of yourself this time Michelle. Hahaha.

I was going to talk about some recent names that people have named their kids, BUT due to that being a super sensitive topic, and I don't feel like watching my back in the streets of Nashville, I'm going to leave that alone & just pray that those kids don't end up in public school system. Where you can be sure your teacher doesn't have time to learn it because she has to keep asking Aaliyah & Trina to stop talking...so it will be slaughtered on a daily.

Poor Kid(s).

This morning I woke up fresh. Rox started that stuff at about 4. She was promptly escorted to her bed on the floor. I'm a light sleeper so a tosser is a no no. She was walking under the covers, sitting on me, grooming herself...I'm like "Out". She jumps on the floor like she wanted to kick my ass. I don't care though. Last two hours are vital....to me. Work was pretty simple today. I'm most effective when Ive had at least 6 hours.

It's Friday already. I move next Saturday. It's approaching so fast. I will miss my Kimora. I guess I am going to go home and semi clean before O comes over. I'm moving is my excuse...haha, have a drink, and try not to fall asleep before he gets there.

Later.

Karmic Retribution

I do believe what goes around comes back around. Here lately I noticed that.



My crappy neighbors who stole my chairs. Well the same hill I rode down & saw them is the same hill I rolled down and noticed all their shit in their front yard. Yep! That's right. Let's spell it out...E-V-I-C-T-E-D. Have fun sitting in my chairs OUTSIDE your former crib on the hottest day in Tennessee yet. How sweet Karma is.



When is my Karma coming? Ive been pretty good.



Big told me that he couldnt make it to my party. I thought he told me he had to work. Actually, no. It turned into some sort of Frat picnic. Am I the only person that thinks grown men's love for frat "activities" should die after about 25. Unless its a job or something...stay your old ass out of the picnic. He had to drive to that, so he couldnt come to my party the night before.



Needless to say...I was pissed. My words: "I dont think I like who you are." "I just dont think I like you."



I gotta protect my heart. I told him I was going to finish reading my book. "You want to talk later." Me: "No." Im not in the mood for that.



Big's Food Chain:

1. Work

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Fraternity

5. Breakfast

6.Lunch

7.Dinner

8.Sleep

9. Anything other than me

10. Me (maybe)



My party was so much fun. I had a really good time. It was such an electic bunch of people there. I wish some of my family could have been here.

Dont much feel like elaborating on that. I might post some pictures.

Side note: Saw Big out at a party. The same Big who is always tired from work or some whop de woo.

I was more than pissed. Im still kind of pissed. Im going for coffee, cigarettes & a break

Yes! I did hit the tobacco again. My turmoils in life are best blown out with the smoke I exhale.

My Birthday/ Major OCD

Today is the day I was born BUT not actually. Mum says I was about 15 min away from not being born on the 2oth & came about 10 days early. I was in a hurry up & wait type of mood that day.

So Ive probably mentioned that I got to see Emily King live at Lovenoise (shout out to Chip & LaSalle for keeping me on the list) Besides her being my bi-sexual love crush she is actually very talented. She's only 22 & she's definitely so New York to me. Writing skills are sick & the voice is just so damn soulful. Did I mention that beautiful guitar in the back is played by those lovely hands of hers too? Yeah, pretty mesmerizing in person as well. I request that everyone go & get her first CD. Emily King "East Side Story". It's absolutely divine. I love "Hold Me". I wish I felt like that about someone. Totally is my wedding song IF I ever get there. I also love "You Can Get By". Mainly, because Ive been through the same thing & when you realize that you can rely on yourself to fly...your eyes open up to a new world.

Also musically...I heard a song on Lil Wayne's album "Comfortable". Kanye sampled some strings in the very back. They are unchanged & original form. Where in the hell are they from music heads? I cant remember if it was from a movie or another song of his own. Either way it's making me realize I have a serious knowledge OCD. I have to find out the answer to questions. I don't like to not know. Happened to me awhile ago. I had to figure out the catcher's name that used to play for the Braves when the won the world series in like 97. I googled on a date. Prob a major turn-off if he wasn't into ALL sports. I like him for that. He wanted to know too :)

Someone tell me where those damn strings are from? I wish I just had Ye's number to call myself. It would be a lot quicker than relying on my friends who don't hear the alien sounds I hear or pick out stuff in the background of pictures or movies. I guess I'm not really looking at the same things people are. I cant tell you a damn word Lil Wayne said in the whole song because all I can hear is the strings. Real meaning of seeing sounds.

I cried today. I needed to. Just briefly. just enough to relieve the tension in my shoulders & realize I'm wayyy to blessed to stress. I have the BEST family, the BEST girls, the BEST opportunities, the BEST guys, a beautiful mind & a kind heart. Why do I ever worry?

I just work too much. Remind me to never work 12 hour days four days in a row. It manifests in my face. I will be wearing my Bare Essentials tonight. Well, that's all for now. Let me post a pic of my boo...haha.

Ill post pandemonium pics from my minstrel show house party. I'm making punch & everyone knows how I make liquor creep up on that ass. See you later.

Ms. Love

Michelle's Big 25!

Even though I have had a lot going on lately, I still want to celebrate my life. Mainly, because Im grateful to still be here.

I'm halfway there...literally. To whatever the new 20 is. Come bring it in with me SHOT for SHOT!

When: Friday June 20, 2008

Where: Syleena's Crib (Antioch) - I will text directions to peeps whose number I have.
Others interested in attending drop me a message along with your number & I'll text directions.

NO OFFENSE BUT THERE WILL BE DISCRETION EXERCISED (LOL) Sorry.

Why Come: Because I fucking said so.

Liquor & beer will be provided BUT bring ya girl girl a bottle of something. At least to keep the party going. I might not let you in if you come empty handed. Im just saying.

Those invited can only bring a +1 or +2. Please run it by me first for creeping purposes...haha.

Love ya bitches!
-Ms. Love

I am exhausted. There is no other way to put it. I have been going through alot in my life. Most of which I wont focus on for fear that I am not fully over it altogether. Things have been crazy.

Im having a hard time keeping my eyes open today because I didnt sleep until 3:30 am. Mind you, I have to wake up at 6 am. That's my own fault but I just havent much felt like sleeping. I cant sleep when my mind wont.

I bumped into BIG. He's still the same. Conservative. Im still the same. Way beyond liberal. I dont even have the time to care about that right now. He "says" he misses me though. We've already had a blow-out. Im spoiled & I dont care.

This apartment thing is driving me up the wall. Expense wise. OMG! No 24/25 (in 3 days) should ever have to work as hard as I have been working. My eyes are starting to look dead. All life gone. Smiling has become just only when necessary. I will be so glad when it is all over.

No more talking to NES, no more credit running, no more bullshit. I just want to snap and be alseep in my bed in my new place. I did start packing yesterday. It didnt take long to rangle all my stuff from the upstairs bedroom together. I never unpacked it thank God.

Anyway. This was just a check in. I have some pretty complex things on my mind. Im not spell checking...so sorry. Bear with me. Right now. Im under a funky haze. Just waiting on God to put me through all the stuff I can bear.

It sure feels like Im being tested everyday. Here's to being 25. A 20 year old said to me yesterday that when he's 25 he's going to have all stuff together.

My reply: Good luck.

Less Shitty

I'm feeling a lot less blah. I think when I'm tired I get irritable & quite shitty. Depression is also a part of that. I just decided to suck it up. I always think to my spoiled self..."oh like your life is so hard." My life is like peaches & ice cream. What do I complain about? I have all the basics needed to survive.

I found a website about creating personal Zen. I needed to revert to self & do a few woo-sahh's & keep it moving. I put some pictures up in my cubicle of all of my family & friends. Some of the pictures make me laugh & most of them positively just make me smile or dead homesick. It definitely made me feel better none the less. I think I'm gonna buy some bamboo too. Just to have something alive in my presence.

I know some people probably think I am so two-sided & from one extreme to the next. My mom used to always tell me when I was a little girl..."Michelle, you always go from one extreme to the next". She would have this look of confusion on her face of how my mind could just ever flit on forever. I'm a dreamer, a tad bit irrational, & I act on sheer impulses sometimes. Lately, though, I have been trying to think things a bit further now. The long haul.

Website: http://www.zenhabits.net/ It's absolutely amazing. I found it while looking for some other stuff. Check it out if you have time. I'll make sure to add it to my list of sites located on the sidebar.

Tonight, Dental School & I (the only guy I can hang out with & talk about any & everything & doesn't try me) are supposed to get stuff to make Margaritas. We always plan these sessions & we get together & trip out & chain smoke. I have to find something to do in the place of smoking my cloves. (I quit or at least I'm trying to) I wish he smoked Newports or something but NOPE he smoke cloves. My brand too. I have to work at my other job tonight too sooo Ill be ready for that by 9. It should be fun. He's finished with exams & Ive made it through another work week unscathed. I need to text him my list of stuff to show up with. I love him sometimes. He's a yes man.

I still have to wake up before decent hours to go view that darn apartment. I tell you. It has been a mess but it is coming together. By mid-July. I will officially be off major doubles at work & I should be able to give the three job thing a rest for a minute. Work with me people.

What's up with dudes seeing you at a table with all of your friends (male & female) & being afraid to come over & speak? Will straight up let you leave the restaurant, then text you. I'm so tired of calling dudes : useless, lame, losers, busters, jerks & suckers. Thing is, they laugh. Must know it's true.

I hate texting. Don't text me unless it is something urgent, you cant talk on the phone, or it's too loud in the background. Those are my only exceptions.

I'm pretty virgin-ous these days. It's cool though. Ive learned to roll with the punches until something good comes by way. I might need to hit up Hustler pretty soon though. It's looking like it's going to be a summer drought...lol

Well, it's time for me to eat some lunch. Ill post sometime this weekend. I'm staying in. I made no plans & I have no obligations, birthday's, bbq's, etc. Thank GOD!

Peace.

Limbo...

I'm starting to think that I'm a bit nutty. One minute: I'm like forget being complacent. The second minute: I'm like, well, I need to wait it out. Do I need to just grow the hell up & stop complaining about stuff? I am one of those people who tends to over think stuff sometimes. I always wonder that if some of my external factors change that I will be ok.

Mainly: I need money. My friend Mia always has this thought that I cant help but sometimes agree with. Getting a big house on a piece of land and growing your own food & just chilling back & living. I wouldn't mind escaping the city for those kind of dreams. The city is taking all my money & making me create new ways to enslave myself.

1. I need to gas to get to my job every week. (I am employed by three companies.)

2. The government says I need a new T.V. (which is making me question whether I even think having one is relevant)

3. Add all of the other stuff that rapes my pockets.

Then you have my so-called life.

My girl asked me about my birthday plans. Yesterday I had some. Today I'm like screw it.

Teavana called me for an interview. I'm gonna go. They're going to hire me. I already know it. I'm going to have to see what exactly it is that they are looking for. I would love to work there. It just might not be practical since I am trying to move. Once again for monetary reasons.

I almost see why some of my friends still stay at home. I wish I could do that. I could but my parents are a tad bit pushy. They are basically on the verge of retirement & they are not trying to have any birds coming back to the nest. Besides, I'm not even cut out for it. I need space. I need space. I need space.

Yesterday was like the never-ending shit story. It just wouldn't stop. I don't even want to talk about what happened to me yesterday on my way to work. Let's just say that I didn't make it there.

I obviously need to free up my chi. It has to be blocked. I am making it my business to find the root of the problem. Maybe I need to try yoga or something. I need a focus. Something to do once I leave 8-5.

Ill be back. I feel as if I'm rambling. Im starting to get scared. I need some anxiety medicine forreal. I feel an attack coming on.

Yayyy, Food Poisoning!

So, sorry I haven't posted. I have had the lovely experience of food poisoning. Yahh! I don't even want to get into the specifics of that. Oh boy.

I did have a pretty interesting weekend. Nothing worth recapping. Mohawk invited me out yesterday. I asked was he going to treat. He hit me with the I don't get paid until the weekend. I hit him with the "I don't think this is going to work out." Maybe next lifetime. I felt shitty BUT there are things that I'm looking for in someone I date.

I have dated the music hustler. His phone is off right now. That shit just isn't sexy to me. There is nothing cute about being broke. Not even on my end. When I am, I definitely don't invite guys out to bars. I stay my cute ass in the house until I get my priorities together. Is it still cool for a 28 year old to be broke in 2008? I think he lives with his Mom too. This is just speculation though.

I met another guy. He's 38. He seems pretty cool for now. We will leave it at that.

I am thinking about working at Teavana. It's still in beginning stages. Gise should let me run her tea store in FL. I need a getaway.

I am still checking out apartments. I have to go look at the one that's opening up on Saturday & see if I'm feeling a vibe when I'm in it. I know it's weird but for me everything has to feel perfect before I enter a dwelling. I have to like the way the light comes in, the air circulation, the floor plan, the balcony. Everything. I have to feel 100 percent safe. After that, if I like it's location they can proceed with my application process.

I'm supposed to do something for my birthday. I'm thinking I might just be moving sooner than July. I might be moving on my birthday. If I do decide to move that Friday of my birthday maybe we can still do The Taste of Nashville that Saturday, dinner & drinks. I'm thinking Flemings or Ruth's or maybe not so expensive. I don't want to break anyone. I'm seriously just not in the mood for big blow-outs. If I liked the apartment they would only be able to hold if for me up until that weekend of my birthday. Sooo more to ponder.

I have to work at Cache later. Sunday I got to see Emily King & Anthony David at Lovenoise for free-ski! Thanks Chipper. It was really nice. Lovenoise is moving right along in progression. So happy for them.

I see I have some frequent visitors & still no comments. :( Oh well, I am back at the workhouse still feeling a bit queasy. I'm drinking my tea and trying to stay hydrated. I have to get back to work though. More later.